Tell me why you cry
Because of happiness
And why do you suffocate
Because of the loneliness
I watch her silently as she sleeps beside me. I wonder what's happening, hoping to find an explanation, when there probably isn't one. She broke up with Dawson two months ago, and tonight she came to me. She told me that she loved me.
What can I do? I said nothing, but kissed her softly, and it quickly led to something more. It was a mistake. It's all been a mistake that I just don't know how to fix. How will I fix it? How can I deny her when she looks at me? Her eyes sparkle, her expectations are so simple. She wants nothing but me, and yet I know that's not enough for her.
Tell me why you take
My hands so roughly
And your thoughts
Are taking you away
Her eyes flutter open slowly and she smiles a simple smile at me. "Hey," she says, moving her thumb softly underneath my eye.
"Hey," I echo, watching her carefully. I want so badly to shut my eyes and just wait for her to go. I keep hoping that somehow she will realize that this isn't good for her. That I'm not good for her. That I'll never be what she needs.
I see concern in her eyes, and I wonder if it's because she can feel the uncertainty that I have. She was crying and that scared the hell out of me. "Why are you crying?" I ask.
"I'm happy," she murmurs. "Haven't you ever heard of tears of joy?"
I nod slowly. "I have, but I never believed they really existed."
"They do," she says. I watch her in silence, and use the tips of my fingers to wipe her tears from the corner of her eyes. "Are you okay?"
I love you so much
And why is that
Crazy stubbornness
Don't doubt it no more
Until in the future
There is a wall to face
I am not scared
I want to fall in love
Do not love me cause you think
That I seem different
You think that I am honorable
To see us pass time together
I nod. I can't let her know that I'm not okay. I rest my hand on top of hers and twine our fingers together. I'll have to tell her soon, but I can't do it now. Now, I lay with her quietly, listening to her breathe, inhaling the smell of her hair. She seems so happy. I don't know how I make her so happy.
"I meant what I said before," she says softly.
I shook my head, almost in defiance. "Don't love me," I say.
She swallows hard and looks back at me, her eyes narrow with confusion. "You're scared?" she asks.
I shake my head. "Not scared, just practical."
"There's not a practical bone in your body, Pacey," she says. I can tell I hurt her.
You don't love me cause I understand
The lie that it would be
If your love I do not deserve
Do not love me but just stay another day
Do not love me because I am lost
Because the world changes, because it is our destiny
Because it can't happen, we are a mirror
And you like that are what I call my reflection
"Sometimes I know what's right," I say. "Sometimes I know when to cut my losses and walk away."
"I'm a loss?"
"You're everything," I say. "I'm the loss."
"That's not true, Pacey. You . . . you are me. It took me a long time to realize that. But when I look at you . . . I see myself so much more clearer."
Do not love me only to be dying
In a war of many repentances
Do not love just to stay grounded, I want to take flight
With your great love through the blue sky
I don't know what to tell you, this is the truth
If the world likes it or not, it knows how to hurt
"Why are you making this so hard?" I ask her. I attempt to keep my voice gentle, but it comes out frustrated.
"What am I supposed to do?" she asks quietly. "You're the one making this hard. All I want to do is love you."
"Don't love me," I say again. It sounds like bad poetry, but it's all I know to say. I can't tell her that I don't love her, that I don't want her. That would be a lie.
You and I leave and they do not move
But in this sky you don't leave me lonely
Don't leave me, don't leave me
Don't listen if I say "Don't Love Me"
Don't leave me, don't disarm
My heart with those "Don't Love Me"'s
She looked to be on the verge of crying again, and I don't think these tears are tears of happiness. "Why are you doing this?" she asks.
"Because I don't know what else to do," I answer.
"Because it would be too simple for you just to love me back," she says sarcastically.
"You don't understand," I say to her. Because she doesn't. It's not that I don't love her, it's that she can't love me.
"You're scared," she says again.
"I'm not," I reply.
"Yes, you are," she whispers. "I can tell. I know you, Pacey. I know you."
"I'm not," I say again.
"You want me to go?" she asks softly, a tear dripping across her nose, falling on the white sheets.
I still cannot lie to her, just as I still can't get through to her. "No," I say. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay forever."
"Then why can't I?"
"Because it's not right."
Do not love me I plead
Leave me in my sorrow
You know that I can't
That it is useless, that I will always love you
"I'm not asking you for much, Pacey. The only thing I want is for you to love me. Why can't you do that?" she says, choking the words out through rapid tears.
I reached out to wipe her tears away, and her sad eyes look back at me, waiting. "I am doing that," I say. "I'm doing that the only way I know how."
"Why don't you try just laying here with me and saying it? Don't push me away," she whispers.
Do not love me, I would only cause you to suffer
With the heart that is filled with thousands of winters
Do not love me because you would then forget your gray skies
I only want you to love me
"Why can't you just let me be? Why don't you realize that you can't love me?"
"I already love you," she says. "You can't think that will change."
"It could," I say softly. I'm showing more insecurity than I want to, but I can't help it. She's the only one who understands me. Maybe that's why she's not backing down, because while my words are telling her to go, my eyes are telling her to stay.
She shakes her head. "I've finally realized what I want," she says. "And it's so much more simpler than anything I've ever wanted in my whole life. It's you. Just you."
"But I shouldn't be enough for you," I say. "You deserve things that I just can't provide you with. Things I will never be able to provide you with."
"If there's anything true about this situation, it would be that I don't deserve you," she says, placing a gentle hand on my cheek.
Do not love me, you and I would fly
One with the other and we would fly forever
This love is like the sun after the storm
Like two comets in the same space
I shake my head and pull away from her slightly. I see a frown appear on her face, and I hate to make her sad. It has to be this way, though. It will make things better in the long run. She has to realize how this will make things better for her in the long run. She has to know that I'm not good for her.
"It's taken me a long time to realize what I want, what I need," she says, the slightest hint of emotion in her voice. "Please don't punish me for waiting so long."
I shake my head. "That's not what I'm doing."
"I love you, Pace," she said, her face shaking as she couldn't hold back the tears.
I pull her closer to me, kissing her softly on the lips. "I love you too," I say quietly. "Please don't cry."
She lowers her head, makes a fist, and pounds on my chest. It's not soft and it's not hard. It was enough to make her point. "Don't ever do this to me again," she says softly.
"I won't," I say softly. I hope I can grab onto some of her optimism. I hope I can love her like she deserves to be loved. I hope I can look past my fears and give her everything she needs. I hope I can give her all that I have. I hope it will be enough.
Don't love me
Don't love me
* * * * *
END
No Me Ames by Kilby
Notes
Yeah, I can look past my great distaste for Jennifer Lopez for a good song. Forgive my hypocrisy. Translated lyrics courtesy of the wonderful J's Lyrics Index.