The darkness seems rather fitting, so I don't bother to light more candles than what I need to see my way around. There's nothing I want to see, nothing else to do. I much rather prefer to drown in my own misery. I'm home alone. I can't run to Dawson for the obvious reasons. And Pacey just need some time. I'm sure that he'll come around eventually.
At least that's what I keep hoping.
I sit at the window and look outside watching as another thunderstorm rolls in. It's fitting I suppose. I watch as it rains and count between the claps of thunder and the flash of lightning. When the sky illuminates with a flash, I see him there. He's walking to my door.
I stand looking at the door as I hear him knock. I don't exactly know why I hesitate, but I'm not sure if he's what I need today. I can't take another cold judgement or another conversation about what's right or wrong. Right now I just don't want to look in his eyes and see all the regret he still harbors about our night together.
At the same time, though, I need something from him. I open the door and see him standing on the porch, still wet, even though he's sheltered from the rain. "Can I come in?" he asks softly.
I nod and step back to allow him inside. "Still no power?" he asks.
I shake my head. "I should tell you straight off that I'm not in the mood for a long discussion, Pacey," I say calmly.
"There's no way for us to get around that. I have a lot I need to say to you, Jo," he says.
I motion him toward the table where we sit down. He links his hands together in front of him, and nervously twiddles his thumbs. A purple candle is lit in the center of the table, and I pick at some wax that has fallen on the oak surface.
He takes a deep breath before he looks up at me. "A year and a half ago I didn't know much about sex. And maybe I don't know all that much about it now. The one thing I have learned is that it can destroy things."
I watch him while he pauses. I can tell he's not finished, and if he were, there would be nothing for me to say. I don't even understand what he's trying to tell me.
"And last night, that was all I could think about. I slept with Tamara and I ruined her life. Andie slept with someone else and nearly destroyed mine. Until yesterday, you were the one casualty that I hadn't quite figured out."
"You're making this harder than it has to be, Pacey," I say. "I don't know why you feel like I need protecting."
"I can't help it that I want to protect you," he says softly. "And when I slept with you, I did everything but."
"I don't know how to say what you need to hear," I say. I stand up and walk over to him, squatting in front of him. "Nothing's changed, Pacey. I wanted you. And there are no regrets."
"You didn't get what you deserved," he says, raising his voice slightly. "You wasted something you can't get back on me when I sure as hell didn't deserve it. I took something from you that you can never get back."
"And you gave me so much more in return."
"All I did was hurt you." "No, you didn't hurt me," I whisper. "It makes so much sense now, Pace. We're it. In the long haul we've figured out that there's no one else on this earth who understands. It's you and me together to the very end. And we're both scared because we don't want to change that."
"It's too late for that," he says.
"I cannot even begin to think of the words that describe how I feel about you," I say, resting my palm against his cheek. "And even though some of those feelings made me feel the lowest I could possibly feel, I know I'm so glad to have had them. I'm thankful that my first time I could have been with you."
"I didn't give you everything you deserve," he says softly. "I want you to know that."
He's not letting my words sink in. It's almost as if he doesn't want to understand, and there's no way I can force him to. "I don't want to talk anymore, Pacey," I say quietly. I stand up and turn around, but I feel his hand grab mine. When I turn back, he's standing there.
He moves closer and puts his hand on my cheek. His hand is cold, but it is still a welcome feeling. "I don't wanna talk either," he says.
He kisses me. It doesn't take long for me to submerge myself in him. I didn't need some long, over-drawn, angsty conversation where tears are shed and nasty words are exchanged. I didn't need revelations and epiphanies from him; long dissertations on what we were, what we are.
All I need is him. Here. Like this.
For the first time since we slept together, everything is simple. It's just me and him. He's just what I need right now.
I take a step back, slowly pulling him along with me. I feel like I'm jumping head-first into this. But now I've realized what I couldn't see before; that this thing between us is far more than we wanted to admit.
When we reach the doorway, he pulls away from me. I lick my lips and open my eyes. He looks like he's confused. "Don't stop," I say.
"If you think things are complicated now," he begins, "it will only make them worse."
"I don't care," I say, twining my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
He closes his eyes and breathes a deep sigh. "I want to," he whispers, his rough fingers grazing my shoulder. "God, I want to."
"It's different this time," I say. "It's so different, Pacey."
"Different," he says. It doesn't have the lift of a question, nor the strength of a statement.
"It's just about you and me this time," I say. "This is about me wanting to show you how much I care about you."
"I care about you too," he whispers. "But I want you to have everything you deserve."
"Then stay with me tonight, Pacey," I say softly, bringing my hand down to his cheek. "Make everything else go away."
* * * * *
I watch him as he sleeps. I'm glad to be lying here face-to-face with him where there's no threat from the outside.
I think back to when we woke up together the last time, and this time I pray that it's different. He was afraid this would make things more complicated, but as I lay here they feel so simple. This time we weren't looking for comfort we just wanted to be close.
Slowly his eyes open, and I see him staring back at me. "Are you okay?" he asks.
I smile softly. "I'm fine," I say. "I was just watching you."
He pauses momentarily. "I don't want to scare you away," he says softly. "And when I found out that you . . . that your first time was with me, I thought you would hate me. I had the deluded idea that I could come here tonight and fix that."
"You did," I say. "I'm more sure now than I've ever been. Still no regrets."
"Do you mean that?"
I nod in response. "I knew things were different when I saw Dawson today."
"Why?"
"Because, he . . . told me that he slept with that woman," I begin, "and it didn't hurt. That's when I knew things had changed."
His brow was furrowed and I could see that he was confused. "Did you . . . did you tell him about . . . us?"
I shook my head. "I just told him that I had slept with someone and then he passed judgement on me. I don't know if I was ever more angry at him."
"Jo, I . . ." He stops, taking a deep breath. "I have to tell Andie."
"I was hoping we could save this conversation for another time," I respond.
"I don't know what to say," he says. "There's no way for me to explain."
"Why do you need to explain?" I ask.
"Because that's what she deserves," he says.
"Even after all she did to you?"
"Yes."
"I'm sure you'll figure something out, then," I say softly.
"So what are we?" he questions.
"This all started because I didn't have the words," I begin. "That's a place I'm still in. How do you feel?"
"I don't know how I feel," he answers.
"You can tell her that . . . that you took her back more quickly than you should have, but there is someone . . ."
"Else," he finishes for me. "But someone else who is . . . what?"
"Someone else who it feels right to be with," I say.
"Is that the best we've got to go on?" he asks.
"For now," I say.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm surprised to see her standing on the other side of the screen door. Her blonde hair is pushed back by a headband, and she wears a winter coat. I can't even feel the cold. I step out on the porch and face her. "Andie," I say slowly. "I'm surprised to see you."
"I need to speak with you," she says in a hoarse voice.
I nod. We sit down beside each other on the dock. "He told me," she whispers.
"What?" I say. I know that my voice shows I am startled.
"I knew that he'd be upset," she says. "I never thought that he'd be spiteful, that he'd seek revenge."
"That's not what he did," I say softly. Although, I'm not sure whether I fully believe it or not.
"It hurts," she continues, "more than I ever imagined it would. That night he came to ask me to go back to him, I thought my wish was coming true. But really he was just setting me up for payback."
"That's not what he did," I say again, with less conviction. The more she says it, the more I believe her. I'm not sure what it is, other than the fact it makes some sort of sense. Things had been too simple last night, and while I thought the reason for him being there was to show me what I couldn't see, maybe he had been there for Andie. I never imagined that my "standing offer" would become revenge.
"The one thing I didn't understand was you, though," she said, looking over at me. "Pacey could've found lots of girls to sleep with, and I wasn't sure why he chose you. But he did it because it hurts worse." She pauses, turning toward the setting sun. "I'm surprised that he didn't orchestrate it so that I would walk in on you two."
"Stop it," I say, my voice cold. "You have no idea what went on between us."
"I know," she says quietly. "He slept with you to pay me back. It took me a little longer to figure out exactly why you slept with him, though."
"So now you think you can pass judgement on me, I suppose," I say.
"I had questions when I came back. I wanted to know why you and Pacey were such quick friends," she said. "Eventually, he told me what Dawson did when you propositioned him after he returned from Philly."
"I don't think that's any of your business," I say bitingly.
"My brother was a little less than responsive when you tried to sleep with him. And Dawson, well, he outright rejected you. But Pacey, he's exhudes and air of being sexual. You were so desperate to be wanted that you threw yourself at him at a time when he was vulnerable."
I laugh sardonically and shake my head. And I feel like I don't respond how I should. My confidence in Pacey seems shaken, but yet I feel the overwhelming need to defend him. "You'd like Pacey to be the victim in this, wouldn't you?" I ask. "Well, you're partially right. But not because I slept with him when he was vulnerable, but because he was wounded by what you did to him. I wasn't part of this equation until after the fact. You can go on pretending that I seduced him if it helps you sleep at night, Andie. But the fact remains that of the two of us, you're the one who's needy."
She shook her head. "You think I'm going to let some common whore like you pass judgement on me? You're like a hurricane, Joey. You run through everything, destroying everything in your wake."
"I didn't destroy him, Andie, you did," I say quietly. "I think you should take responsibility for that."
"You're going to get hurt in this too, Joey," she says.
"Pacey doesn't hurt people with calculated malice," I say slowly. "You know that he doesn't do things like that."
"How did he make love to you, Joey?" she asks.
Then I know. She's looking for someone to blame and she's looking to make someone as miserable as she is. I stand up and I look down at her sympathetically. "Now you're just reaching, Andie."
~*~*~*~*~*~
I've looked all over for him tonight. My mind has continued to reel since my conversation with Andie. I know every well that she was just there for some sort of pay back for whatever it is she thinks I did to her. I all about that and I know I can't blame her for hurting.
At this moment, though, I don't feel much better. I can't live doubting him. He's too important now.
He's sitting on my porch steps as I walk toward my house. Bessie must've already left for Dawson's. I'm glad. Right now we both just need to be alone.
"I was looking for you," I say, sitting beside him. "I got a visit from Andie today."
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
"She thinks that the only reason you slept with me was to get even with her. I don't think you did, but I see it as a definite possibility."
"You saw me that night, Jo. She destroyed my whole world. I was hardly interested in getting even with her. And I never would've hurt you just to do that."
"So why'd you go back to her, Pacey?" I ask.
"Sleeping with you . . . it could've destroyed everything. And you . . . you offered . . . anytime," he fumbles. "I've never exactly been a man of high morals or lofty ideals. I didn't trust myself."
"So you went back to her to avoid me?" I say slowly. It was the one thing that never occured to me.
He nodded. "I didn't know what to make of you and me. I still don't."
"So what's going to happen?" I ask.
"That probably confuses me more than anything." He stops, looking out at the creek for a moment. "I'm very reluctant to use the word . . ."
"Love," I say during his silence. I think for a moment. I'm not sure how this discussion took such a decidedly serious turn. I knew the time would come when we are forced to define whatever it is we have, but I wasn't sure it would be now. "When I had my . . . discussion with Dawson the other night, he told me that he didn't know how I could sleep with someone I didn't love."
"I think that's rational," he says, taking me by surprise.
"But I did sleep with someone I love, Pacey," I say softly.
"What?" he asks turning toward me.
"I do love you," I say slowly. "Maybe not like . . . like I love anything else. That's why it's different. Things were right because I love you, because I feel comfortable with you. Maybe it's not traditional love. But it's what we've got. And . . . It's what I think will make me happy."
"Do you really think I could make you happy? Even after all that's happened?" he asks.
"Pacey, you're not living in the real world if you think that anything that happens is going to turn out perfectly. If you're lucky, you just find a break in the chaos."
"So is that what this is?"
"Yes, Pace. Now that it's all over, I think that we're in for some clear, sunny days. At least for a little while. And I think we'll be okay if we don't let the imperfection scare us anymore."
He nods, taking my hand in his, kissing my knuckles gently. "I think I can handle that."
I smile at him. After everything that's happened, I feel like we get a chance for a new beginning.
* * * * *
The End