~*~*~*~*~*~
I think I've caught your finger,
I felt it right away.
I had the urge to tell you,
But still I shied away.
And since you never told me,
Then how was I to know,
That you felt like me to the third degree,
And you didn't want to let me go.
Emotions secondary,
My body loved you first.
It's in the way you touch me,
It only makes me worse.
I can't control this feeling,
You're hittin' on my nerves.
Let me guide you to the place,
If you want a taste,
'Cause my love will fill you up.
The closer that you get to me,
The more I wanna make you see,
That you'll never find a love like mine,
I think about you all the time.
The closer that I get to you,
The less I feel I have to prove,
That you'll never find a love like mine,
I really need you in my life.
Closer.
Close to me is where you need to be,
Cause I can give you what you need.
I'll never turn away, here for you,
So tell me what you wanna do.
Be close to me,
Because your love is all I need.
The closer that you get to me,
The more I wanna make you see,
That you'll never find a love like mine,
I think about you all the time.
The closer that I get to you,
The less I feel I have to prove,
That you'll never find a love like mine,
I really need you in my life.
Closer.
"Closer" by Tracie Spencer
~*~*~*~*~*~
Last night Pacey and I didn't sleep together. Although the circumstances felt right, the timing didn't. We spent the night together, kissing and touching and making the world stop. I felt safe, comfortable, and fulfilled.
I'm not disappointed about it. He filled me up and made me feel so wonderful. I didn't need to sleep with him to feel that way. We didn't spend the time as a prologue to sleeping together, but as something we wanted both to do, something we needed, something in and of itself. It was enough, and I didn't need anything more from him.
Things seem so easy now. Three days ago my life was a cage, and now I feel like I've been set free. Everything looks new. Things seem so much less complicated today. Of course that may be more of a function of distance than reality.
He's standing in the doorway, looking off the balcony. He seems so serious. I'm hoping this is as serious to him as it is to me.
"We should think about going home, I suppose," he said softly, not looking back at me.
"I guess," I said, looking down at my hands. "It's sort of funny how we kept pretending we weren't going to have to go back."
He looked over his shoulder at me. "I don't want to go back."
"Then let's not go back," I said. I knew as soon as it left my mouth that it wasn't a feasible option.
He looked back out the door and shook his head. "We can't stay here."
I wanted to ask why, but I didn't. I'm not sure why not. My voice didn't want to seem to work. I didn't want to think about this being over. It was too early for it to be over.
"You know why," he said.
He knew me better than I thought he would. "Explain it to me," I said.
"You know," he said.
I knew not to press the issue then. He was right, I knew. This would get more difficult as it went on if we didn't have to deal with reality.
"So what are we going to do on our last day here?" I asked him.
He turned around and smiled at me. "What do you want to do?"
I stood close to him and smiled mischievously. "Everything we haven't done already."
~*~*~*~*~*~
The day was simple. We strolled leisurely along the boardwalk, stopping in cute little shops, eating like there was no food back in Capeside. The mood was light, and we didn't talk about the prospect of going back home. There was no sense in that.
I looked up at him as he was telling some stupid joke, smiling and waving his arms animatedly, and I got scared. It wouldn't always be like this. Things would change when we got back to Capeside. That was unavoidable.
Something about this was too easy. Falling for Pacey had been too easy. Nothing in my life had ever been easy. I felt like I was riding on an out of control freight train, not even sure of the destination. But as scary as it was, I was enjoying the ride so damn much.
And I wasn't supposed to be. Hell, I was still supposed to be mourning over lost love, and here I was, thinking that I was in love again.
"What?" I asked, realizing he was asking me a question.
"You weren't listening, were you?" he asked.
"Sorry," I said.
"It's okay," he said, looking down at his feet as he walked. His moods changed so easily, and he'd gotten somber so quickly. I wasn't sure what to make of it.
"We should go on the Ferris wheel," he said a moment later. "I bet it's such a nice view of the ocean."
"Sure," I said softly, a small smile on my lips. It reminded me of when we were little: He seemed so excited.
Once we were seated on the Ferris wheel, things were quiet. We looked around, seemingly avoiding each other. He was right about us having to go, because this was too serious, and, anymore, there was electricity when we were close.
"I'm going to hate going home," I said. I looked over at the ground, avoiding his eyes when I spoke. The fresh, salt air smelled wonderful, and I loved feeling the wind brush across my face as we picked up speed. "This has been just what I needed."
"Me too," he said softly. When I looked at him, I could tell he was contemplative. This was serious to him, perhaps too serious.
"Have you had a good time?" I asked.
He nodded his head, staring absently at his feet. "It's been a lot more than I was expecting."
"For me too," I said. More than he even knew, in fact.
"Do you think change is good or bad?" he asked.
"I think it all depends on what's changing," I said.
"That's what I was afraid of," he mumbled. Before I could even begin to dissect his words, the Ferris wheel had stopped, and we both stepped off. We walked back to the hotel in silence.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I watched him as he threw clothes back into the suitcase. I wasn't exactly anticipating leaving, but I knew he was right. We had to go.
There were so many unanswered questions, though. Things were so conflicting. As much as we wanted to stay, we knew we had to go. As much as I knew about his emotions, I knew nothing of his thoughts. As much as we were holding on to the past, we knew things were changing. As much as I hated to, I knew that I would have to be the one to acknowledge that.
"What's going to happen when we go back?" I asked him.
He looked up at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I'd broken the peaceful silence, but he had to know it was the one question we had to answer.
"I guess that life as normal will return," he said.
That felt like a stab in the heart. "Is that what you want to happen? Even to us?" I said.
"We understand each other a lot better now, Jo," he said.
"What's this been to you, Pacey? A chance to get to know me better?" I demanded. It hurt. I'd let him into my head, into a place no one was allowed to go. And I'd been so open with him physically, I couldn't even stand the thought that it had been everything to me, and meant nothing to him.
He shook his head, and I could instantly see regret on his face. It didn't phase me, though. I was angry. Mainly, I was angry at myself for letting it be more to me than it was to him.
"It was a distraction."
"And now you want to go home because you don't need to be distracted anymore?"
"No," he said. "I want to go home because things went too far last night. They can't go any further."
"Why are you so concerned?" I asked.
He sighed. "I just am."
God, I was so stupid. How could I have thought this was anything but a distraction? How could I let this happen? "Tell me what last night was."
"It was superficial," he said.
I shook my head in disbelief. "Not to me," I said. "I didn't know that you still loved her."
He swallowed and lifted his eyes to mine. "I didn't know that you didn't love him anymore."
"I didn't either," I said. "But there's so much I see in you." I already looked like a fool. There was no sense in not laying it all on the line now.
Now he looked like he'd been run over by a freight train. "I can't," he said. "Not now."
"She's going to break your heart again," I said.
"I know," he said softly.
"You give her too much power."
"I know," he repeated.
"You've given her the one thing I want," I said.
"What's that?" "You," I said simply. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry those salty tears that drip across your nose and cheeks and into your mouth. The tears you don't want to cry, but can't help but to cry. The tears you shed that don't make you feel better.
But I wouldn't. All I could do was look at him and see lost potential, lost love. "The next time she makes you cry, I'm going to be there," I said. "I'll be standing by so that next time you won't have to be alone."
He came and wrapped his arms around me softly, and I buried my head in his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Now's just not the right time."
"I'll wait," I said simply. His only reply was to squeeze me tighter.
Then we left. I still don't know how he feels about me, but some small part of my heart holds on to the hope that he does love me back, and he'll admit it to Andie, to me, to himself.
The funny thing was that while I was trying so hard to forget, I accidentally stumbled across something better, more real, and more heartbreaking.
Now I have something completely new that I can't forget.
~*~*~*~*~*~
The End