Hatred is as dangerous an emotion as love. The capacity for either one is the capacity for it's opposite.
-Bene Gesserit teaching manual
* Jack got out of the car and opened the door for Jen.
"Thanks, you're such the perfect gentlemen. I'm looking forward to this, aren't you?"
Jack shook his head.
"No! I mean, it's bad enough me being Gay do I have to make it the center of my existence? I mean, I don't join clubs for football players with injuries, do I? Or friends of film-makers? Or even brothers of A students with Emotional Disorders?"
Jen giggled, "You might if they had cute guys in them."
Jack hunched his shoulders, "I'm not good at all this gay stuff anyway. Let's face it my one and only relationship was a complete disaster."
Jen took his arm and pulled him into the coffee shop.
"So, you have five more disastrous relationships to go to catch up to me. Come on, try to keep and open mind."
~Tobey looked around the room to see who had shown up this time. It was so wonderful to not be the only one anymore. There were a lot of lesbians; plaid shirts, boots and $6 haircuts. Not as many guys, like the guys would come a one or two meetings at the most and either pair up and drop out or not pair up and seek out better hunting grounds. That was a pity, just as I was getting to know some guy he would stop coming. The guys just didn't seem to have the same commitment to political work that the women did.
Tobey checked through his photocopying work. He had fifteen copies of 'The Hidden Agenda' to hand out to people for the meeting, as chair he did those before the meeting on his PC. He had a number of leaflets for upcoming demonstrations and flyers for different events. There was going to be a Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa party and a New Year's Eve bash. There were also plans for the Spring Prom sponsored by Boston MCC. Everything was ready for the meeting.
Now time to go around and greet the new people. There was a couple next to the bar. She looked like a lot of fun but the guy. Let's face it, cute as a button and straight as a razor blade. He was wearing a football jersey for Christ's sake. It was nice that some jocks made the effort to support their queer ex-girlfriends (well actually they were probably here to see some hot lesbian action) but they never lasted past the first meeting.
* Jack looked like a deer staring a a trucks headlights. OK, he was gay but no one would know it to look at him. These folks, Helen Keller could tell that they were gay.
Jack whispered to Jen. "Just take a look around, please. I mean, this is totally not my scene."
Jen was in her element, she calmly walked up to the bar with Jack tagging along behind.
Jen asked, "How do YOU know?"
Jack said, "For one thing..." A guy with a lot of facial jewelry walks by. Jack stared at him and a thought passed through his head, "I wonder if he got THAT pierced as well. Ewww!". He turned back to Jen and continued in a whisper. "I'm the only guy here with no piercings."
Jack felt so weird. He didn't quite fit in with the rest of the football players because he was gay, but he looked like a football player. If there were anyone else who looked like him here, he wouldn't feel so much like a freak. He didn't look like, much less sound like any of the other guys.
Did being gay mean that he had to stop being himself and become someone else?
One of the guys came over. This one wasn't too bad: he had messy brownish blond hair like Dawson, Pacey's clothing sense, a pair of gold-rimmed glasses and one hawk of a nose. Actually, he was kinda cute in a geeky sort of way.
He said, "Hey, are you here for the meeting?"
Jack was paralyzed, he didn't know what to say. Before he could choke out that, "Yes, I'm gay." Jen stepped forward and spoke.
"Yes, we are." She chirped.
Honestly, that's what it sounded like to Jack.
The other guy said, "Thank God! We need more lesbians with decent haircuts, I'm Tobey."
Jack stifled his snicker, "So much for gay-dar."
Jen introduced Tobey to Jack. Like d'uh! Jack had just heard him say his name.
Tobey was looking at Jack all suspicious, like Jack had just cut one or something. He asked whether they had met before.
Tobey smacked his head and Jack winced.
"I know, you're the gay football player. Last year, from the news. We always wondered about you."
Jack thought, 'Busted. Can't I get through the first meeting without people sticking some sort of label on me?'
"Hey, uhhhh... sorry, was I wrong? You're not the gay football player?"
Jack thought to himself, "Yeah, I am the one and only gay football player that has ever lived. By the way, I'm called Jack."
He said, "No, I am. I'm just not comfortable with labels like that."
Tobey looked just like Grams for a second.
"I see." He sniffed. "And which label bothers you more? Gay or football player." He walked away.
What a let-down. 30 seconds in the door and already the group leader was hassling him.
Jack thought, 'Well, Mr. Act-Up the part I don't feel comfortable with is being completely and utterly summed by three words. I'm a hell of a lot more than a 'gay football player.' Isn't Liberation supposed to be about feeling free to be myself and not someone else's image of who I should be.'
~*~
'What a let-down! I can't believe that I've been looking forward to meeting that guy all year.
I mean someone who managed to overcome all of the homophobic bullshit of our society to become an openly gay teen-age football player. He could be such a great spokesperson. Hell, knowing that someone my age is open and respected makes me feel better about myself.
But he's just as homophobic as any of the other goons who hassle me in my school. I expected more from him.
Tobey looked at the sullen football player.
'He sure is cute though.'
*"This place is even worse than the gay bar that I went too."
Jen didn't look anywhere near as bored or uncomfortable as he felt.
Jack slurped on his skinny, vanilla latte, loudly. Jen smiled at him.
'Jen makes a better gay boy than I do, that's for sure. She hadn't even blinked when Mr. Act-Up had thought she was a dyke.'
Jack looked around the room and winced.
'Where did these women get their hair cut, the same $5 barber? Or do they all use the same Weedwacker?'
'What is it with me? I don't feel the least bit comfortable around these people? I don't look like them. I don't dress like them. I definitely have fewer holes in my body than them. Why do they define who and what I am?'
'If that Tobey would just smile once and a while, not to mention do something with that HAIR, he'd be pretty cute.'
The rest of the meeting didn't improve. It was all about politics and being gay; everywhere, 24/7/365 for the rest of your life.
Tobey droned on, "...because he was gay."
Jack squirmed in his chair, as Tobey kept on talking
"Gay! Gay gay gay-de gay-gay. Gay gay gay, gay-gay gay gay-gay-gay."
Jack whispered to Jen, "Oh. God. If I hear the word 'gay' ONE MORE TIME I am going to scream."
Jen whispered back, "Jack, it's just a word."
Then Tobey called on him to stand up in front of the whole kindergarten class for show and tell. At least that's what it felt like.
Getting fired from being a soccer coach was one of the worse thing to happen to Jack that year. He honestly couldn't blame the parents, they didn't know him that well and Jack wouldn't want his children to be threatened by a potential child-molester. And he was there to help the children. Fighting with their parents would hurt them big time.
Jack had hoped for support. What he got was shit on. Wasn't that what those psychology books called blaming-the-victim?
And now, Jen had volunteered to go bowling with these jerks.
~*~
After the meeting had ended Tobey went home and up to his room. That had been his sanctuary while he was growing up. Tobey put on his fave Pansy Division CD and lay back on his bed.
"He thinks he's Oscar Wilde but he's really Paul Lynde. He's a negative Queen." That's Captain America to a T. He acts so much better than the rest of us just because he's butch and can pass.
I bet he's never been baited by one of his teachers. He won't support any of us, HELL, he doesn't even bother standing up for his own rights.
He can't be trusted.
~*~
* I can't believe that Jen talked me into going bowling, either I don't have enough of the 'gay irony hormone' or they skipped out on the 'gay taste gene.'
Who am I kidding? Look at the shoes. Hundreds of other people have sweated into them before I put them on. Not to mention the shirts, they make Pacey's Hawaiian shirts seem the epitome of quiet good taste.
This is scary. I mean, like if the guys on the football team don't like me it's because they're homophobic jerks. Same thing with the folks in school.
But if openly Gay people don't like me, it can't be because they're homophobic is it?
What if gay men don't like me either?
Jen says that she thinks that Tobey likes me. This doesn't make much sense all he ever does is insult me.
~*~
Well, Captain America showed up with his beard.
I don't get it. Everyone knows that he's a big Queer. Why does he pretend to have a girlfriend?
Don't you know that not only does the bastard bowl better than any of us, he even looks sexy when he does so. He doesn't even notice that the rest of the guys are checking him out.
He doesn't even notice that I'm checking him out.
Damn!
* I'm outtahere! That bitchy-little-overly-political-queen is way too much for me to handle.
FUCK!
Even my dad has more respect for me than they do. I've got to be the least-gay gay guy in the world.
I'd rather be alone than spend any more time hanging out with him. Jen is on her own now. They like her better than me anyway.
~*~
Tobey and Jack meet again later in the week. Jack has been out riding his bike to the marina while Tobey is postering for the Gay/Straight Alliance.
Tobey sees Jack going over to pick up his bike. He puts down his stapler.
Lookie-here. Captain America is hanging around acting straight.
I'll give him one last chance to show some interest in our lives and our struggles. Sure, the group voted him out, on my recommendation but if I decide that he's back in I'm sure I can talk the others into it. I hope that he does show some desire to connect to us, I'm sure he's a great guy as soon as he gets over his self-hate.
Let's see how this goes.
"Nice town you got here. I figured I would come by and hang some fliers. You know the gays, we're always recruiting."
He hands a flier to Jack who takes it as if it were about to blow up in his hand.
"By the way, you're officially kicked out of the Alliance."
He yanks the flier out of Jack's hand.
Jack replies, "I'm crushed."
He bitches at me a couple of minutes. But he doesn't have the right to tell me off. I have to live with homophobia everyday. I don't get to opt out.
The last thing he said to me as he rode away on his bike was, "I don't know what you're life is like but that doesn't make ME any more straight."
What the hell does he mean.
~*~
* So, I've been rejected by the Gay-Straight Alliance. So much for so-called peer support.
I'm glad that I finally got these guys off my back.
Wait a minute; why am I happy that they rejected me? I got THEM off my back, it's not like I set it up.
Well, actually, it is exactly like I set up them rejecting me. I did my best to be obnoxious and offensive and insulting and condescending. I'll have to thank Dawson for his tutoring.
Note to self, NOT FUNNY! I think I'll talk more about this with Jen. Next time, I'll try to be nice to Mr. Act-up.
~*~
I get it. I feel queasy.
I thought that telling him off would be getting back at all the jocks who ever fag-bashed or baited me. But he wasn't. The club's supposed to be set up for kids who are having problems dealing with being gay. Well, Jack has a pretty big problem with being gay and I just made things a bit worse. I'm supposed to be a supporter.
I feel more like a basher.
The End
Hate At First Sight by Aunty Mib
Notes
Spoilers: Self Reliance
(*) marks Jack's point of view, (~) marks Tobey's. The first draft of the story completely excluded elements of the script. Of course, unless you've seen the episode you won't have the vaguest idea what had happened. *Sigh* I've had to include large pieces of the script for continuity.