"A tilted heaven
touches you above me
as you lean back into the sun
And your heart sounds like
it's praying
Please wait for me
I always get lost
but I would fall in the mud
I would waver back to God
if it earned you
protected you
If you stayed and maybe
after a while
I might finally feel at home
in love"
--Anonymous
She felt a wave of relief wash over her as she heard his key in the door. She sat up on the couch, but didn't make a move to turn on the light. Somehow she knew that she was best left in the dark.
He tossed his keys on the desk by the door and made no quick moves toward her. She looked at the clock across from her to see that it was after one o'clock in the morning. "Late night?" she said finally. "I was worried about you."
He sat in the armchair across from her, popping the tab on a soda he'd grabbed from the refrigerator. "Your husband came to see me," he said nonchalantly.
She cringed at the word. The word "husband" just didn't sound right to her. It never had, really.
"You didn't tell him you were leaving?" he asked impatiently.
She shook her head, pulling her knees to her chest. "What was I supposed to say, Pacey?"
"You think it's better to just pick up your things and walk out of his life without a word?" he asked.
"It won't hurt as badly as it would if he were to find out that we've been sleeping together all this time," she said. "That will kill him worse than me just leaving, trust me, Pacey."
"So why are you leaving?"
"I couldn't look him in the eye anymore without feeling like everything was a lie."
"What's a lie, Jo? You've loved him forever."
"He's security, Pacey," she whispered. "He's security and you're adventure. That's why I spent so long with both of you."
"Joey, you're not at the point in your life where you want to throw away all the security."
"The security hasn't made me happy. And even though you seem to piss me off more often than not . . . and you're going to hate me for saying this . . . you make me happy."
He stood up, laughing sardonically as he rubbed the back of his neck. He looked out the window for a moment, not sure what to say.
"You could at least say something," she said, finally breaking the silence.
"Clarify for me."
"Okay."
"Are you leaving Dawson for me?"
"No."
"So why are you doing this?" he asked.
"I don't want to live with Dawson anymore. I still care about him, but I . . . I don't want to hurt him. And I'm weak, Pacey. I can't stay away from you."
"So you're leaving Dawson because of Dawson?"
She nodded. "He's not the same thing to me that he used to be."
"And what am I?" he asked.
"I don't know. You're a part of me. And I . . . I know that you need me, Pacey. Just like you needed me last night," she said, standing up and taking a place behind him.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm moving. I haven't decided where yet. Maybe somewhere tropical with warm days and lots of sun. I'm going to the airport in the morning."
He nodded.
"There's only one question left. It's simple."
"Okay," he said, turning around to face her.
"Do I buy one ticket or two?"
"You want me to go with you?" he asked. He was quite shocked.
"Yeah. I want you to come with me," she said.
"Why?"
"Because I need you, Pace. Come with me."
"You need me," he said softly. "I don't do anything for you but ruin your life, Joey."
"I'm the one who ruined my life," she said, looking down at her feet. "I'm the one who let myself get too close to you, to let myself fall for you. And I'm the one who wasn't strong enough to leave Dawson when I figured out that he wasn't want I wanted or what I needed anymore."
"And how are you so sure that I'm what you need?"
"I'm not," she said, shrugging. "That's why you coming with me is simply optional. I figure I'll survive with or without you. I'd still like to be with you."
He sat down, rubbing his face tiredly with his hands. "We have a problem."
She sat in the floor in front of him, resting on her heels. "What's that?"
"I fell in love with you."
She looked up at him, a mixture of confusion and anger in her eyes. "And that's a problem."
"I'm not good for you, Joey, and you know it. Just take a look at what's already happened. I've had you cheating on your boyfriend, on your fiancé, and even on your husband. And now you're leaving him. He's the one who's going to be able to take care of you, Jo."
"Dammit, Pacey, listen to yourself! You're talking like you don't have control over anything! Your life is going to be whatever you decide to make it. And I can take care of myself, Pacey. What I want is you. And you can give me that. Just take a minute, stop being such a bastard, and let yourself feel for once in your fucking life."
"Letting myself feel has never done anything but hurt me, Jo. I'll just ruin your life. I'll ruin you, and you'll resent me for it. If you don't resent me already."
"The first time we slept together, I wanted to be with you. And that's been the case every time since then. It was more than just trying to fill some insatiable lust, and you know it. I could never get enough of you. And it wasn't because you were a good lay. It was because I could feel you. I understood your soul, and when I looked into your eyes, I knew who you were. It was because of the way you'd kiss my fingertips or stroke the small of my back. It was you."
"And it didn't have anything to do with the fact that what we were doing was forbidden?"
"If that were the case, I wouldn't be here right now, Pacey," she spat. "You're just a coward."
"Maybe I am, Jo," he replied. "I think that no matter how this situation is resolved, all three of us are going to end up unhappy."
"Because that's how you want it, Pacey," she said, standing up and turning her back to him. "I'm leaving tomorrow."
"You're doing what you have to do. I understand," he said flatly.
"Will you miss me?"
"Yeah, I'm going to miss you. More than you know, I think."
"That doesn't mean very much to me," she shrugged, looking back at him over her shoulder. "You don't have to be without me."
He laughed. "You don't give up, do you?"
"I guess you give up enough for the both of us," she said. "Maybe I can't believe that this is over."
"Maybe I can't either," he said.
"I'm not going to tell you where I go," she said softly.
"How will I know you're okay?"
"You won't."
"So you're punishing me," he nodded. "I'm just trying to do what's best for you."
"And who the hell are you to know what's best for me?"
"I know me."
"I know you too, Pacey. At least part of you. You wouldn't hurt me. If I kept coming back after all this time, you should know that I can take whatever you dish out. Let's face it, you have been pretty nasty to me on occasion."
"I'm sorry about that," he said sincerely. "If things had been different, I think that we might've had a chance."
"Is that your lame attempt to make me feel better?" she asked skeptically.
"I am going to miss you. Even as messed up as it was, you were the only pure thing in my life."
"I'm going to miss you too, Pace. But maybe you're right. This is for the best."
"It is. You'll see," he said, pulling her in for an awkward hug and kissing the crown of her head. His fingers gently stroked the small of her back.
She looked up at him. "One more time?" she asked, her voice cracking slightly.
"Yeah, Jo," he said, smiling slightly. "Kiss me."
And she did.
* * * * *
The End