Four Months Later
Joey stared out her dorm room window, watching the people pass by on their way out for the evening, playing basketball, whatever. Looking at them, she felt more than ever like she was missing something.
She knew what it was, and he was at least an eight hour drive away. "Pennsylvania," she muttered to herself, shaking her head. She tried to push the thoughts out of her head, but it was impossible. She missed him, and she hated herself.
"You know, Pacey," Joey said, sitting beside him on the dock, "I feel like I haven't seen you all summer."
He tried to smile. "I know. That's probably my fault. And I'm leaving tomorrow."
"So soon?" she asked.
"Yeah. I just . . . I figured that I'd spend some time on campus and settle in, get a feel for things."
"Find all the hot spots with cute girls," she laughed. He didn't respond to her joke, and that worried Joey. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"I know that conceivably we won't see each other ever again after we both go away," he said.
"That's crazy, Pacey," she replied. "We've been friends forever."
"I know how things go sometimes," he said. "I've accepted it. It's just that . . . I've realized that there's a lot that I've been holding back from you, and a lot that I want to tell you. I figured today would be the best time to do it, considering I won't have to face the consequences tomorrow."
"Pacey, what's going on? Your thoughts seem so chaotic."
He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. "I love you."
Her expression turned somber. Her mouth was open, but she seemed to have no intention of saying a word.
"I'm not sure what happened," he continued. "Don't know when it happened, or where it happened, or how it happened. All I know is that it happened. And it confuses me more than anything." He took another deep breath before continuing. "I don't want anything from you. I just . . . I wanted it off my chest before I went off to start my new life."
She stared at him blankly. "What?"
"I never wanted to love you," he mumbled, looking out at the water.
The look still remained on her face. She was stunned, and he had finally done everything he came to do. He stood up and began to walk away. He looked back to see her still sitting there. "Good luck at Duke," he said.
She remembered the feeling distinctly. Her body wouldn't let her move. She couldn't breathe. She was so scared that she couldn't even process what was going on. Whenever she thought of it, she'd get the same feeling, along with a horrible ache in her heart.
Sometimes she thought that she may have broken his. She would try to shift the blame to something else, but there was nothing else. She tried to estimate how hard it must be to confess that you loved someone, and just have them stare back at you without saying a word.
In her mind she could see herself searching through Capeside for him the next morning. His house. Dawson's house. The video store. The school. The ruins. Anywhere. She had ran full speed to bus station, and arrived in time to see his bus turn the next corner.
She convinced herself that it was better that way, that she hadn't even thought about what to say to him. Betting that his prophecy may have been correct, she just wanted to see him one last time.
The words he said that night changed everything.
It wasn't until about three days later that she really started to feel it. She worried constantly about how he took her response, at first, concerned she may have scarred him emotionally. Then she tried to figure out what could've made him fall in love with her, of all people. She searched for signs he may have given, always coming up empty. Finally, it got so bad that she was thinking about him all the time. She would smile at something he had said, or laugh at something he'd done.
It hit her like a ton of bricks. He had told her he didn't know when he fell in love with her. But she knew the precise moment she fell in love with him.
He wasn't even there. In fact, he was long gone.
She caught herself staring at the telephone again. She always wished he would call. He never did. She had contrived several explanations in her head. Her response had been devastating to him, and he took it to mean that she didn't want any more to do with him. He was having such a good time at Penn State, he had forgotten all about her. It was a passing flirtation, and as soon as the words came out of his mouth, he was over her.
None of them explained it, though. The only one who could explain was Pacey, and she'd let him walk away. Now she knew it wasn't up to her. She'd had her chance, and it slipped away while she was holding her breath.
* * * * *
I never asked for this feeling
I never thought I would fall
I never knew how I felt
'Till the day you were gone
I was lost
I never asked for red roses
I wasn't looking for love
Somehow I let my emotions take hold
And guess what, all at once
I'm in love
Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It scares me
Cause my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby, why aren't you missing me?
Why did I act like you mattered
It was silly of me to believe
That if I just open my heart
Things would come naturally
Jokes on me, yeah
I did not ask for love letters
So why did you give them to me?
How could I let your intentions
Get over on me
So in love, so naive, oooh baby
Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It scares me
Cause my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby, why aren't you missing me?
And oh, how I hate what you have done
Made me fall so deep in love
Got no cure, you're the only one I want
That I love, oh baby
Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It scares me
Cause my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby, why aren't you missing me?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
Oh, baby why aren't you miss, missing me?
I Miss You So Much by TLC
* * * * *
NOT to be continued.