"There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in."
-- Graham Greene
Pacey watched Joey seriously as she poured over her notes, trying to remember formulas and symbols. He couldn't think about physics, though. They were just one final from graduating from high school, and he didn't want to think about it. Any of it.
Uncharted territory, all alone. It just wasn't something he was ready to deal with. Facing a new world as a grown up was just not something he could handle.
And he knew he would never see her again.
Inevitably, they'd go their separate ways in September. Joey was going to Duke, and he had opted for Penn State. Of course, he never told her that he was accepted at NC State. The idea that he would be willing to follow her was just pure insanity he believed. He knew it would probably scare her in a stalker-like way.
It would happen, though. Just like so many other childhood friendships, years and miles would cause it to fade away, and it would be reduced to hearing how she was from a friend of a friend of a friend.
And she'd never know. He didn't want her to know. He couldn't take the rejection.
All she could talk about was graduating, and leaving everything in Capeside her wake. He knew he was one of those things she wanted to get away from. She didn't seem sad about anything, especially not leaving him.
He supposed it was a good thing she was being so nonchalant about goodbyes. It would probably be better that way.
"Pacey?" she asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. She noticed he was rather preoccupied.
"Yeah?"
"You're going to blow off this last final, aren't you? I mean, one final until graduation, and you're going to forget about it."
"No," he said. "I was just thinking about something."
"What?"
"Nothing," he said quickly.
"What is it, Pace?" she said softly.
He laughed lightly and shook his head. "It's nothing. I was just thinking about the future, and about how things were changing."
She gave him a stern smile. "It goes around this time of year."
"Yeah," he said, smiling at her.
"Pacey, you have nothing to worry about. You're intelligent and outgoing, and college will do you loads of good," she said. "Stop going crazy on me. We're getting out of Capeside, remember? Heading for the good life?"
"Sure," Pacey said. "I don't know what has got me so worked up."
"Back to these problems," she said. "I'm not failing my last final at Capeside High."
He nodded, and tried to focus on the book. In a matter of seconds, though, he was back to thinking about what he now called "the end."
"God, I've got to go," Joey said, gathering her books together. "There is this stupid meeting at school I said I'd go to. Might as well go to one of 'em, so I don't look like a complete liar on all those college applications."
He laughed. "See ya, Jo." She examined his face for a moment as he looked out at the water. "What?" he asked her.
"Nothing," she said. "I'll see you later, Pacey."
"Bye, Jo." He watched her walk away. It was surreal. He knew that he had watched her walk away tons of times, but now he knew that sooner or later he'd watch her do it for the last time.
He rubbed his forehead wearily. His eyes were drawn to the plain white envelope at his feet. Somehow he knew that she had left it. There was no name on the front, and the flap on the back wasn't sealed.
There wasn't a choice. He had to read it. He had to.
He looked around at the other tables at the Icehouse. No one was paying him any mind as he pulled the page out of the envelope. It was written on wide ruled paper, some of the fragments from where she'd torn it from the notebook still there. Her lazy scrawl covered the lines in blue ink.
He started to read.
Hey,
I feel so crazy writing this, really, I do. I have so many things that I want to say to you, though, that I just don't think I could say to your face. Who knows what you'd do? You might laugh at me. You might think I'm crazy. And I can't take that. I just can't.
Really, the truth is, I don't even know how to say it. I don't know how to tell someone that I love them. And I know that it's insanely crazy, but I cannot take another rejection in my life. You of all people should understand that.
I've been in limbo for a long time, though. I just had to keep it to myself. For sanity's sake, I had to. And I know I should've learned my lesson about hiding things a long time ago, but this is so special, so sacred I couldn't allow it to be dismissed by a lazy laugh and a wave of your hand.
But I love you. I don't know any other way to say it. I never knew that I could feel this way, and it's so hard to think that you don't feel the same way I do.
Pacey stopped. He needed some sort of reality check. Deep in his heart, he knew this letter was for him. Right there, he felt like his was living his fantasy, like all his dreams had come true. It was what he had been waiting for.
But he had never thought of it. He never thought that she could ever possibly feel the same way. But she did. The realization that she loved him back was the most wonderful feeling--like sleep after sleepless nights or eating after fasting. It was like living inside the dreams he had at night.
He felt that the smile on his face would be plastered there forever.
When he looked back at the letter, it faded rapidly. Tears welled in his eyes as he looked at the last line.
Please, Dawson, I've loved you for so long, and despite everything that's happened, I'm sure we can work this out. Please don't let it end this way.
He should've known better. The one she wanted, the one she longed for--it wasn't him. It had been the same one she'd wanted forever.
The myriad of emotions was unreal. I couldn't be healthy to go from the pinnacle of happiness to the depths of sadness in such a short time. And it didn't feel good to come crashing down so quickly.
He tried to shove the letter back in the envelope, and pretend like nothing was different. In reality, nothing was different.
But now everything was different.
The shred of hope he had that she could love him back was gone. It wasn't fair for the one thing he held on to for dear life to be taken from him.
"Pace?" Joey asked, suddenly standing in front of him. She was concerned. He was pale, and he looked horrible--like he was nauseous. "You okay?"
"Yeah," he said, nodding his head. "I was just coming to find you. You dropped this," he said, holding the envelope out to her. The envelope bobbed as his hand shook.
"Thanks," she said as she took it. "I was looking for it." He nodded absently as he stared at her feet. "Are you sure you're okay?" she reiterated.
He cleared his throat, looked up at her, and did his best to smile. "I'm fine," he said. "I'll be over this in no time."
"If you need--"
"Thanks," he interrupted. "I'll see you around."
This time, she watched him walk away.
* * * * *
Your Letter by 112
I saw a letter lying on the floor
I couldn't help but look inside
Thought it was something that you must have left
Left there for me to find
All your words were on that page
All my dreams came true that day
I found your letter
Your letter
It said you love me
But you didn't know the words to say
It said you never knew
That you could ever feel this way
It said you only wish someday
That I would feel the same
In your letter
Your letter
I guess it just never occurred to me
That you would feel the way I did
You kept the sweetest secret from my heart
You kept those feelings in
No you never showed a sign
Gave a clue to what I found inside
Your letter
Your letter
It said you love me
But you didn't know the words to say
It said you never knew
That you could ever feel this way
It said you only wish someday
That I would feel the same
In your letter
Your letter
I was so happy that I almost cried
To think that you would think of me that way
It's like it took my sweetest dream
And made that dream come true
I would be with you always
I saw a name I didn't recognize
I felt the tears come to my eyes
Seems that the love that you've been longing for
Was another love not mine
No you never showed a sign
But it was right there in the lines
Inside your letter
Your letter
It said you love him
But you didn't know the words to say
It said you never knew
That you could ever feel this way
It said you only wish someday
That he would feel the same
In your letter
Your letter
* * * * *
NOT to be continued.
Your Letter by Kilby
Notes
Disclaimer: No Pacey, No Joey, No Dawson, No Icehouse, No Capeside. Nothing. Not mine. 112 certainly isn't, and neither is Your Letter. Buy their CD, Room 112, so that they'll stay off my back.
Author's Note: This is based on the song, of course, lyrics follow. Some of you may not like me when it's over.