She'd been there a few times during the summer. She would sit down on the edge of the hard wooden dock and look out at the water, the sky. It was hardly any time at all before she learned from Jen that Dawson had let Joey go to Pacey. Not long after, she found out that Joey and Pacey had sailed off together for the entire summer.
During each visit, she would sit there, visualizing just what had transpired between Joey and Pacey before they sailed off together. Probably into the sunset, she's think bitterly. She expected Pacey to have finally verbalized his feelings to Joey. Something she knew was probably hard for him. After all, he was always better showing a woman how he felt than actually telling her.
It could probably be characterized as torture, the way she'd think about them together. She felt like she deserved punishing. Because in reality, she hadn't really loved Pacey until the past three months.
It's not that she'd been deceptive, of course. When they were together, she thought that she was so in love with him that she could barely see straight. But she was really just in love with the idea of him. He was dedicated and caring toward her, more than any other man had been.
She hadn't been good for him, though. She tried to change him. She lied to him. She forced him to deal with things he was in no way ready to deal with. They had really been too young to have been so serious. She'd known that she hadn't been serious the moment she slept with Marc, despite what she'd said to try to save her relationship with Pacey.
In reality, she'd changed so much in the past year, she'd look into the mirror and see an entirely different person. And when she thought about Pacey, her feelings were entirely different too.
It wasn't until she stood outside Dawson's house that late night that she really felt the pain of losing Pacey. She'd told him that she didn't know what to say, but in reality she knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him, how much she wanted him, how much she needed him.
When it came down to it, though, she couldn't really tell him just how she felt. The one thing that kept her from doing that was the look he had in his eyes when he was with Joey. She would never be able to compete with that look. Instead, she did all she knew how to do. She showed him that she still loved him the only way she knew how to. She was there for him as a friend.
She knows that she will still be his friend when he returns at the end of the summer, because in the end she was there when no one else could be. And it hurt her more than anything ever had in her life.
This would be her last trip to the docks, her last imagined scene of what had taken place between Pacey and Joey that night.
She'd already grown up. Now it was time to move on.
Every bad feeling, every vision that made her want to cry, every bit of resentment she felt toward Joey was staying right there with the water. She just couldn't take it home with her again. There wasn't enough room in the house for it.
Her body didn't have the strength to cry another tear. She didn't have the patience to withstand another sleepless night. And she damned sure didn't want to have another fantasy about the future that would never be with Pacey. Unlike before she finally wanted to move on.
It was time for her to rid herself of the Andie McPhee of the past. It was time for to stop living her life in limbo. She just wanted to make her own decisions, to live her life without regrets. It was time for her to start doing things without looking back. The future was too close for her to spend time looking back. She didn't want to waste the future lamenting over something she couldn't change; something she couldn't fix.
Just like she knows she's not the same person she was a year ago, she also knew that a year from now she'll have changed and grown even more. That is the only thing that is important to her. She wants to accept Pacey and all the things he'd taught her. She wants to keep the part of her heart that he occupied sacred, but she also wants to fill the huge vacancy that still remained.
It was time to suck it up and move on, as her dad would say. She'd learned. She'd grown. That was the only important thing about what had taken place for her, for everyone, over the past year. If there was one thing she learned from Joey and Pacey it was that there's always more, and it may be in the most unlikely of places.
Although she's not quite sure where her more is, hopefully it may lie just around the corner.
She is going to pull herself together, stop worrying about the mistakes she's made, and look forward to the better things that lie ahead.
It's time for that.
As a soft rain began to fall, she lifts her head toward the sky, letting drops hit her in the face. It is her cleansing. It is giving life to her new beginning.
That's what she's ready for.
* * * * *
No Fool, No More
by En Vogue
Packed up all the pain
Left the tears outside my door
And I'm not gonna be the one
Who's left out in the rain no more
I see it so clearly
The writing is on the wall
Tellin' me I'm gonna be
Alright after all
Now I've opened my eyes
And I'm finally wise
No fool no more
No fool no more
Not like before
Not the way it used to be
No fool no more
No tears this time
'Cause this time I'm wise
To the game that's been goin' on
And I'm not gonna be no fool no more
No room for sad regrets
'Cause the past is done and gone
And I've learned that it's time that makes you wise
And truth that makes you strong
You thought you were so cool
Pull the wool right over my heart
But now you see that you can't keep
This heart in the dark
'Cause I see through your lies
Won't be blind one more time, no, no
No fool no more
No fool no more
Not like before
Not the way it used to be
No fool no more
No tears this time
'Cause this time I'm wise
To the game that's been goin' on
And I'm not gonna be no fool no more
Gonna pull my heart together
Gonna leave the past behind
Gonna get to somethin' better
Put you out of my mind, yeah
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna be fine
I just want you to know
That I'm not gonna be no fool no more
No fool no more
Not like before
Not the way it used to be
No fool no more
No tears this time
'Cause this time I'm wise
To the game that's been goin' on
And I'm not gonna be no fool no more
* * * * *
No fool, no more by Kilby
Notes
I'm ashamed. But ever since the end of season three, I've grown very fond of Miss Andie. So I wrote this vignette for her perky little self. So, hopefully you'll like it.