"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
-James Baldwin
Joey stared at Pacey sleeping in her lap. She didn't know what she was going to do. In a week he wasn't going to be there anymore, and as much as she didn't want to think about it, in a matter of months he could be gone for good. She wanted to do something: go with him, have him stay and take care of him, take the cancer for him. Realistically, none of that was going to happen.
Pacey was coughing as he slept. She thought for a moment, wondering if he had been coughing a lot. He probably had been, and she just hadn't noticed. It was still hard for her to understand that Pacey was now struggling with a deadly disease. It hit her hard. Pacey had cancer. It was the same thing that had taken her mother from her, and now the man she loved was going hundreds of miles away to fight his own battle with it.
She loved him. Maybe it just took spending time with him to realize it: Maybe it took the prospect of losing him. It had come so quick, her head was still spinning. Everything that was taking place in front of her eyes was so shocking. She realized that she loved Pacey, only to hear that he was moving, only to hear that he had cancer. He had said that his life was falling apart in front of his eyes, and that was what she was beginning to think about her own. He was sick one, though. She knew that she had to take the optimistic role. It had been easy for Joey to realize that she was going to do whatever she could to make Pacey survive. This mattered too much for her to just sit by and watch it unfold like some movie. She would have to be an active participant.
She was beginning to worry about herself too. This whole angel thing had been crazy. She thought it would only be a matter of time before they carted her off to place with padded walls and tapioca pudding. The idea of a guardian angel was preposterous. After all, where had this angel been? Now, he suddenly appeared, and was anxious to make her fall in love with someone with cancer. She shook her head at her thoughts, because, if anything, she felt like a pawn in some divine game of chess, not someone that any angel was taking care of.
It wasn't long before Joey's thoughts began to drive her crazy. She wasn't going to be able to sleep, so she stood up as gently as she could, and walked into the kitchen. She poured a glass of milk and sat at the table. It was in vain, because she wasn't even in the mood to drink. Not milk anyway.
She snatched her head up, surprised to see her heavenly advisor standing before her. Convinced that this was all a figment of her imagination, she ignored his presence.
He sat across from her at the table, not taking offense. "I saw what happened," he said softly. "I'm so sorry."
Joey just looked up and shook her head.
"Things aren't as bad as they seem," Shane said.
She shot him an evil look. "Let me get this straight. You come to me, and tell me I'm screwing up my life because I belong with Pacey. For some strange reason, I believe you, and then crazily, I realize that I do love him. Then I find out that he -- the love of my life and only friend -- is moving hundreds of miles away, and has cancer. And things aren't as bad as they seem? If they get any worse, I'm going to be joining you after I throw myself off a bridge!"
He exhaled in frustration. "Joey, please calm down."
"He could be dying!" she screamed. She paused for a moment, as she thought. "That stuff about screwing up destiny, was it true?"
"Yes," Shane said.
"So this is because of you?" she asked furiously.
"No," Shane said. "He's known for weeks that he had cancer. The retribution for messing up destiny is him moving away."
"As far as I'm concerned, this is all your fault. I wouldn't have so much invested now if it weren't for you. This wouldn't hurt me as bad if you hadn't made me love him."
"I didn't make you love him," he said. "Can't you see that you loved him all along? You don't fall in love in two days."
"You didn't have to do it," she said.
"I did this because he needed you. Today was the breaking point for him. He wouldn't be able to pretend to be strong anymore. If I hadn't, you would have never been with Pacey, and you're going to be all he has while he tries to get better."
"Why wouldn't I have ever been with him?" she asked. "I would've stuck with him through it. He's always been my friend."
"You don't understand. Pacey is the type who would prefer it if no one knew he was sick. When his parents found out that he was sick, they did a 180. Suddenly Pacey the screw-up was showered with love. To him, nothing had changed. He's never been one who wanted pity. He had to know that you cared about him before you found out about the cancer."
"I don't understand," she said wearily.
"If he thought you were only being nice because he was sick, he would have pushed you away."
Joey nodded. Somehow she knew he was right. "So what's going to happen now?"
"You've got a week."
"For what?"
"To be with him. To make him happy."
"Is he going to die?" she asked.
"I don't know," Shane said. "You have to understand that things can change in an instant."
"So we're going to be apart?"
"He has to go, Joey. It's going to be long distance for a while."
"Does he love me like I love him?"
"The only way to know is to ask. Besides, you should tell him . . . before he leaves."
She nodded. "Things will work out, right? I mean, there's justification for optimism. Pacey and I are meant-to-be, and miles or diseases won't change that, right?"
"Have some faith," Shane said. "Put everything you have into this, and be strong. Once you fall in love, the rest should be easy. Rewards can only be reaped out of effort." Joey nodded once more. "You're not going to see me anymore," he continued. "I'm on restriction. Besides, it's not fun to appear when it isn't Christmas."
Joey gave a weak smile. "I guess I should thank you. After all, you did help me find him."
"I've got a good idea that you both are going to make it through this," Shane said. "Take care of each other."
"I will," she said.
With that, he disappeared. Joey looked around the room, with nothing else to do. She would have more thinking to do.
* * * * *
December 30, 2000
Pacey took a seat on the swing next to Joey. He was slightly out of breath. "Pacey, you've got to--"
"I know," he said. "I might as well get all I can out of it. In a couple of days, I'm not going to be around to play with him anymore," Pacey said, as he watched Alex rocket down the slide. They had decided on a trip to the park given the unusually warm weather in Capeside.
"Are we going to tell him tonight?" Joey asked.
"I think so," Pacey said. "I don't want to tell him that I'm sick, though."
"Pacey, you have to. Kids, kids are people too. It's important for him to know that you might . . ."
"I might not come back," he said, completing her unfinished sentence.
She looked at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to . . . I didn't want to . . . to say it."
"If you don't say it, maybe it's not true, right?" he asked. Joey nodded. He looked at her seriously. "I know that I could die."
"I know that you can live," she said. Her thoughts shifted gears a bit in the midst of a quiet pause. "I could . . . I could come with you."
He looked up at the sky, examining the clouds. "Yeah, and I'm sure that Bessie wouldn't leave too many scars after you asked her to do that," he joked. "You know that you can't come, Jo. You've got to finish school, graduate with honors, take care of Alex. You can't just leave everything behind."
"I don't want to leave you," she said. "I mean, maybe I'm misguided in the notion, but I think that you . . . you need me."
He looked at her, and smiled. "I do need you, Jo. But you can't shuffle your whole life around just because of me."
"You are the biggest part of my life," she said. "You've always been there when I needed you, and I don't want you to be alone now."
He grabbed her hand, and touched her ring. "Remember the story?" he asked. She nodded. "You're always going to be with me. I hold you in here," he said, placing a hand over his heart.
She began to cry. "I know it, Pace. But that doesn't change the fact that we're . . . we're going to be apart at the most important time of your life."
He shrugged. "I guess you'll have to come to college in Carolina, then."
She smiled. "I like the sound of that," she said. In the back of her mind, she noted that as a good sign. Planning for the future meant that he was ready to fight this thing.
"So what are we doing for New Years?" she asked him.
He sat for a moment deep in thought. "I've always wanted to spend New Years in Times Square," Pacey said.
She looked at him in shock. "Are you crazy? Do you know how cold it will be? Do you know how crowded it will be?" He looked at her sadly. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel guilty. "What are you thinking about?" she questioned, even though she knew the answer.
"It could be my . . . my last chance," he said. "I don't want to play the 'Pacey's sick' card, but I would really like to go, and there is no one I'd rather go with than you."
She smiled. "Are you sure that you're up for it?"
"If I don't live, I might as well be dead."
"Okay," she said. "It'll be fun."
"Yeah," he grinned.
* * * * *
Joey sat in the bathroom, watching Bessie give Alex his bath. "Pacey coming back tonight?" Bessie asked.
"Yeah," Joey said. "We're going to have the t-a-l-k with A-l-e-x."
"Don't spell!" Alex yelled at his aunt.
"Sorry," she answered.
"Does he know what he's going to say?" Bessie asked.
"Yeah," Joey said. "We're going to tell him the truth, so he can understand."
Bessie nodded thoughtfully, watching Alex play with his boats in the bathtub.
"Bes?"
"Yeah?"
"I have a huge favor to ask you," Joey said.
Bessie eyed Joey suspiciously. "What is it?"
"Pacey and I were talking about New Year's," she said cautiously. "Pacey wants to got to . . . Times Square." Bessie got a uniquely maternal look on her face. "I know what you're thinking," Joey continued, "because I thought the same thing. But this could be his last chance to go. Besides, it's important for me to do something special with him before he leaves."
"You promise to be careful?" Bessie asked. "No drinking, no crazy driving, no partying?"
Joey smiled, "you're taking all the fun stuff out."
"I haven't said yes, yet, you know!" Bessie said.
"I just want to have quality time with him before he leaves," Joey said, seriously. "It's important."
Bessie rolled her eyes. She knew that this was important to her sister. "Look, you can go," she said, "if you promise to be careful, and to be responsible."
"Of course I will," Joey said. Alex splashed them both with water, and they couldn't help but to laugh. "I'd better get out of here before I have my own bath!" Joey said, maneuvering around the small bathroom. At the doorway, she turned back to Bessie. "Thank you," she said.
Bessie smiled, knowing she had done one thing that would make her sister happy. "Just say hi to Dick Clark for me."
"Yeah, right," Joey said, leaving the bathroom.
* * * * *
She was happy to see Pacey sprawled out on the couch. "Hey," she said, as she pushed his feet in the floor to sit.
"Hey," he said, as he moved his feet to her lap. "Alex getting his bath?"
"Yeah," Joey said. "Are you ready?"
"We're going to do it together, right?"
"Yeah," she said, as she reached out to grab his hand. He smiled at her. "Guess what?" she said brightening.
"What?" he asked.
"Bessie's going to let me go to New York."
"That's great, Jo," he said smiling. "I know that you're a little worried, but--"
"No," she said. "I trust you."
"We're gonna have fun," he said. "My dad's giving me the car, and he even got a hotel room for us. Don't know how he managed that one. Must be some crooked cop secret."
"Since when did he become so agreeable?" she asked, instantly regretting her words. "Never mind."
"It's okay," he said. "I think the same thing sometimes."
"Uncle Pacey!" Alex yelled, as he ran into Pacey's arms.
"Hey, Al," Pacey said. "What's up?"
"Nothin'" Alex said. "Why are you back?"
Pacey looked at Bessie, who had sat on the arm of a chair, and then at Joey who gave a reassuring look. "I have something very important to talk with you about."
"Okay," Alex said.
"In two days I'm moving. That means that I'm not going to be living close anymore."
"How far away will you be?" he asked.
"Pretty far," Pacey said. "You'd have to ride almost a whole day in the car to get there."
"Why do you have to go?" Alex asked.
Pacey sat silently for a moment. "Uncle Pacey is sick, Alex," Joey said.
Alex looked at Pacey. "You don't look sick," Alex said.
"Well," Pacey said, "it's not the kind of sick that you can see. If I don't go away, I could start to feel really bad, though. They're going to take good care of me where I'm going."
"But we can take care of you," Alex said. "Mommy always knows how to make me better when I feel bad."
"I know that," Pacey said, "but even mommies can't fix what's wrong. Only special doctors can."
"When are you coming back?" Alex asked.
Pacey looked at Joey. There was a tear running down her face. Bessie got up, and sat across from them on the coffee table. She took her son's hand. "Baby, Uncle Pacey is sick with something called Cancer," she said. "Sometimes, people with cancer die. You remember when we talked about dying?"
Alex nodded his head. "That's when you go to heaven, right?"
"That's right," Bessie said.
"Are you going to heaven now?" Alex asked Pacey.
"No, Al. I'm moving to a place called North Carolina. The doctors are going to take good care of me so that I can be all better, so that I won't die. Even though I'm not going to be around to play with you all the time, I'm still going to talk to you on the telephone, and we're going to write letters to each other, so it'll be like I won't even be gone."
"Uncle Pacey, I can't write letters," Alex whispered.
Pacey looked back at Alex. He was one smart little kid. "We'll send tapes, then, so we can talk to each other."
Alex put his arms around Pacey's neck, and hugged him. "Uncle Pacey, I don't want you to go."
"I don't want to go either, Alex," Pacey said. "I have to go, though." He pulled him back, and looked at him. "You're going to talk to me so much that you're not even going to miss me. I'll be back to visit lots and lots."
"I'm going to miss you," he said.
"Hey," Pacey said, trying to smile, "you're going to love getting mail and telephone calls from me. Besides, I need you to keep an eye on your Aunt Joey. Somebody's got to keep her from getting so grouchy."
Alex smiled. "Okay," he said.
"I think that mommy's ready to put you to bed," Pacey said to Alex.
"Are you leaving now?"
"No," Pacey said. "I'll see you before I leave."
"Okay," Alex said, hugging Pacey again. Bessie picked up Alex, and Alex placed his head on her shoulder, as Pacey watched them walk to the bedroom.
Pacey stared at the floor. "That was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do."
Joey looked at him sympathetically. "I know," she said. "I think he understands, though. It's good to try to tell him everything."
"I know," Pacey said. "It's just . . . I shouldn't have to tell a two-year-old that I might die."
"You're not going to die!" she said.
He looked at her sadly. There was nothing for him to say. He just took her into his arms, as they tried to offer each other some comfort.
* * * * *
December 31, 2000
Joey sighed at the honking horn. She picked up her bag and walked out the door, giving Pacey a disapproving look. "Five a.m. is way too early to leave, Pacey," Joey said as she settled into the passenger's seat of the car, throwing her bag in the back.
"We want to spend a nice day in the city, right?" he asked, backing out of the driveway.
"I guess so," she said reluctantly. She settled back in her seat, and examined Pacey as he drove. It was still dark outside, but she could see his face. He looked exhausted. "You sleep any?" she asked.
He shook his head. "No. You?"
"Drifted off about three thirty," she said.
"You'd better rest, then," he said. "We've got a busy day."
"What about you?"
"I'll be okay. You just rest."
"Fine," she said. "Remember, the speed limits are there for a reason. The cops are not going to buy you're little 'speed suggestion' story. And while we're at it, let's try to stay on the road James Bond."
"Just go to sleep," he said, smirking.
She smiled as she rested her head, and closed her eyes.
* * * * *
When Joey awoke, the sun was finally shining. She was surprised to see Pacey missing. They were parked outside McDonald's. She yawned, and wiped the sleep out of her eyes, as she got out of the car to stretch. A smile crossed her lips as she saw him return.
"Hey sleepyhead," he said. "We're halfway there."
"And you just couldn't wait to get your Egg McMuffin?"
"Nah," he said. "I'm nothing without my shot of cholesterol and caffeine."
She followed his lead and sat back in the car. He handed her a breakfast biscuit and a cup of orange juice. "Thanks," she said. He started the car again. "You're not going to eat first."
"I'll eat while I'm driving," he said. "I just want to get there."
After a few minutes of silence, both had finished their breakfast, and Joey was aching to say something, but she didn't know what to say.
"What are we doing?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" he asked, chuckling.
"What's going on, Pacey?"
"Jo, I don't understand what you're talking about."
"We're pretending like this is just another one of our road trips."
"It is," he said simply.
"You're okay with that?" she asked. "You're okay with pretending that nothing has changed?"
"Everything has changed," he whispered. "Right now, I just want to pretend that everything is okay, and spend this day with you. I don't want to think about tomorrow right now."
She wanted to ask him if all the changes were bad. He had to know that things between them had changed, and she desperately wanted to know what he thought about it. Somehow, she didn't feel right about asking. For nearly a week she had been planning how she would tell him that she loved him, but she still didn't know how. Time was running out.
* * * * *
Joey looked at her watch again. She was freezing. The worst part was that it read 11:50. 'Where are you, Pacey?' Several people had nearly knocked her over, and she'd lost Pacey for the sixth time. This was definitely not all it was cracked up to be.
"JO!" she heard from behind her.
"Pace!" she replied, maneuvering through the people, hoping to reach him. When he finally got to her, he grabbed her hand. "I didn't know I'd need handcuffs to stay with you!" she yelled.
"Don't go getting kinky on me, Jo!" he screamed back. She playfully nudged him in the side. "Let's get closer," he said, pulling her from behind him through the crowd.
Finally, they stopped near the center of all the action. Pacey noticed that Joey was shivering. "You cold?" he asked. She nodded, as her teeth chattered. Silently, she wished that she had a heavier coat, because she was more than cold: She was freezing. It was like he could read her mind, because he placed an arm around her shoulder, and drew her closer.
She looked up at him, and smiled. "Thanks," she mouthed. He smiled back at her. He was happy. It was exciting for him to be in the center of all this action with her. She was everything now, and somehow, he didn't care about anything else.
Despite how good it felt to be in his grasp, Joey was still cold. She snaked her other arm around his waist. He held her tightly in his arms. "Warm yet?" he asked.
'It doesn't matter anymore,' she thought as she smiled at him. She rested her head against his chest, and listened to his heart beat. There was something symbolic, and special about doing that. It made her so happy just to be there with him, in his arms.
Her head snatched up when she heard everyone around her begin to count down. She watched the bright ball in the sky with anticipation. Suddenly it was falling to the ground. She looked back at Pacey with a smile. "Looks like we made it through another year," she said.
He smiled. "We have," he said. "Thanks for making this one memorable."
She placed her gloved hand behind his neck, and pulled him closer. She placed a gentle kiss on his lips. He reciprocated with another soft kiss, and placed his forehead against hers. "Happy New Year, Jo" he whispered.
"Happy New Year, Pace," she returned. He twined his fingers through hers, as they began to fight the crowd once again.
* * * * *
Finally, after a short cab ride, they had reached the hotel room. Joey collapsed on the bed. "My head feels like it's going to explode," she said, rhythmically.
"I knew it would be crazy," he said, "but I never imagined this utter chaos." He plopped down beside her one the bed, and flipped on the television, getting a glimpse of what they'd just left.
Joey stood from the bed, and walked to the window. She could see the people still spreading across the streets. She was glad Pacey brought her back to the hotel, because she was ready to warm up. She just wanted to spend this time alone with him. She watched for a moment, just trying to reflect on her life, on the past year. Things were changing. Things were changing fast.
"How are you feeling?" Joey asked, as she sat next to Pacey's feet, and grabbed his hand.
"I'm fine," he said, looking at her hand. She was still wearing the ring. He doubted she had taken it off at all since he'd given it to her at Christmas. They sat in silence for a moment, both contemplating what to say. "Jo?" Pacey finally asked.
"Yeah?"
"When you were talking about things that were changing earlier, were you talking about us?"
"I don't know, Pace," she said. "You think we're changing?"
"Yeah," he said. "I think you feel sorry for me; sad for me."
"Pacey, the only person I have time to feel sorry for is myself," she said honestly.
"Joey, this isn't a joke," he sighed.
"I'm not trying to make it a joke," she said. "It's true. I mean, my first reaction when I found out you were sick was to hate you for it. If that's not selfish, I don't know what is. You've always been the strong, selfless one. Things like this aren't supposed to happen to you."
"Why do you care so much?" he asked.
She didn't answer. Instead, she elected to change the subject. "You know, when I was little, my mom would always make greens and black-eyed peas for new years." She knew he had gotten up, and was now standing behind her. Suddenly, the closeness wasn't what she craved anymore. He was making her nervous. "I mean, I'm no fan of black-eyed peas, but they're supposed to be good luck, and all," she continued. "Is it really so bad to suck 'em down if it means that you're going to have good luck?" she asked, turning to find him close to her. "I wonder why they call them that," she continued to babble.
"Joey," he said softly.
"What?" she asked, flustered.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything," he whispered. "Things shouldn't be happening this way."
"What way?"
"I shouldn't have . . . I shouldn't have kissed you. I know that I crossed the line, and I--"
"I kissed you," she said softly.
He closed his eyes and exhaled. "Why did you do it?"
She took a deep breath. 'It's now or never.' She gingerly placed a hand on his chest, prompting him to look in her eyes. "I love you, Pacey," she whispered.
His reaction seemed to be one of shock. He looked in her eyes questioningly, trying to figure out if it was real. She was worried because he didn't say anything. He just stood there. Finally, he broke her gaze, his eyes darting to the side, followed by him walking to the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees, and put his head in his hands.
She sat next to him on the bed. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't know that you would . . . react like this."
He put his hands down, to look back at her. "You can't love me," he said hoarsely.
"Too late," she said. He looked back at her, stunned. "Pace, it's not like I'm expecting you to . . . this doesn't have to change anything."
He looked at the floor, and began to speak in slow, even tones. "I've never deserved you. Especially the past few days. And now . . . for you to tell me that you love me, it . . . I can't explain the problem it presents."
"Problem," she said sternly. "It's a problem."
He nodded sadly. "You deserve someone who'll be there for you."
"I want you."
"I could die," he said. "I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. Even if I don't, I'm going to get sick somehow. I'm going to be far away, and I'm not going to be what you need."
"I need you," she said simply.
"There's so much you deserve, Jo," he said. "A man who can devote everything he has to you. A man who would walk through fire to be with you. A man who would pull the stars from the sky for you. You should be able to enjoy the newness of love; how it feels like the sun shining on a warm day after a long winter. You don't want me with all the bagage I've got."
"I want you how you are," she said. "You've devoted all you've had to me, and I'm enjoying the newness of love right now. Pacey, sometimes in life we have to take things how it gives them to us, and if that means sticking by you now, I can take it. It's what I want to do. I can wait for you to want to walk through fire for me, and it wouldn't matter if you never wanted to."
"I already would," he said softly.
She looked in his eyes, trying to process his words. "What?" she whispered.
"I love you too, Jo," he said.
"So what's the point of this whole conversation?"
He walked over to look out of the window again. "My head," he whispered.
"Huh?"
"Blame it on my head," he said, "not my heart."
She stood behind him, and placed her hand on his arm. "Pacey Witter, of all the times for you to start listening to your head . . ."
He turned to face her. "I just want what's best for you," he said.
"You are what's best for me."
He laughed, and rolled his eyes. "I'm what's best for you," he said sarcastically. "Sure, a little girls dream of growing up to find a man who's a complete screw-up, suffering from a diblitating disease, and moving a few hundred miles away. Spare me, Joey."
She took his hand in hers. "No," she said softly. "Little girls dream about finding a handsome, intelligent, funny man. Who's been under her nose all her life, but it takes forever for her to figure out what he probably knew all along. Little girls dream about finding a man that they love so much they will see him through anything, including cancer. Little girls dream of a love that is so strong miles won't change it."
"It's easy to see in the abstract, Joey, but soon it's all going to be reality."
"Pacey, we belong together, and there's nothing that's going to change that."
"I don't want to do this to you," he said softly. "I don't want you feel this. I don't want you to have to go through this again."
"Pacey, if I had told you that I loved you a month ago, would you have turned your back on me then?"
"You didn't tell me a month ago."
"I didn't know a month ago," she said. "But, Pace, if I'm going to love you, I'm going to love you no matter what the circumstances. I don't care how sick you get, or how far away you go."
He closed his eyes, and swallowed hard. "Joey, you need--"
"I need you," she said. "Stop looking for reasons to push me away."
"I don't want you to get hurt."
"Let me be the judge of what will hurt."
He nodded slightly. "You don't have to wait for me."
She placed a crooked grin on her face. "I'm not waiting. I'll just be counting the days 'til I can see you again," she said, shrugging.
"Are you sure that this is what you want?" he asked cautiously. "We can pretend like this whole conversation never happened."
"Not on your life. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you all week," she said, poking her index finger in his chest.
"Ow," he said.
She threw her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. She gently lifted his shirt, and saw some brusies on his chest. "Pace . . ."
"Just when you think you can forget about it, it has a strange way of reminding you."
She gently ran her hand over the bruises. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"It's okay," he said softly. He closed his eyes. He just wanted to feel her fingers, and pray that somehow they would heal him. She had just told him the one thing he had been waiting for years to hear, and he had to try and talk her out of it. The fact that he couldn't made him happy, but in a matter of minutes, the cancer was the center of attention again. It didn't matter what would transpire, because cancer was going to rule his life.
When he opened his eyes, he saw Joey still examining the brusies. He lifted his hand to her cheek, and used his thumb to wipe a tear away. She slowly closed her eyes, as he gently placed a kiss on her forehead. "Do you know how much I need you?" he asked softly, taking her into his arms.
"Not more than I need you," she returned.
* * * * *
January 02, 2001
Pacey got out the car, leaving his father behind. He reluctantly took the steps to Joey's house, and knocked on the door.
Joey opened the door, and smiled a weak smile, as Alex ran to Pacey, and threw his arms around his legs. Pacey did his best to walk inside. He bent down, and picked the child up, holding him in his arms. "Uncle Pacey, did you come to play?" Alex asked.
"No," Pacey said. "Remember when I told that I was going to live far, far away?" Alex nodded. "Well," Pacey continued, "I came to tell you goodbye, because I'm leaving today."
"Oh," Alex said. He began to wiggle a bit. Pacey put him down, and he ran out of the room.
"He doesn't really understand," Joey said to Pacey. Pacey put his hand out, and Joey grabbed it.
Bessie walked in carrying Alex, who had just stopped crying. "Hey, Pacey," she said, smiling, as she threw her free arm around him to give him a hug. "How's everything going?"
"Pretty lousy," he said.
She nodded. "I figured." She sat Alex on the couch, as he was being the most quiet he had been in his life. "We're going to miss you around here. If there's anything that we can do, I hope you know that you can call us, anytime."
Pacey nodded. "There is one thing. Take care of your sister."
"I could never do that up to your standards," she said with a smile.
He looked at the ground smiling. "I know that."
"Alex," Bessie said, "are you going to tell Uncle Pacey goodbye? It may be a long time before you get to see him again."
Alex didn't move, but he just looked up at Pacey. Pacey knelt beside the couch, and looked at Alex. "Please don't be sad," he said.
"I . . . don't want you to go," Alex said quietly.
"I know," Pacey sighed. "I'm going to miss you very much. Remember, we're going to talk all the time, right?"
"I remember," Alex said.
"Aunt Jo has promised to play all my special games with you while I'm gone, okay?"
"She can't play like you," Alex said.
"Yes I can," Joey said indignantly.
Alex rolled his eyes. Pacey laughed: He could see so much of Joey in Alex. "I'm gong to miss you, Al," Pacey said. "You think you can give me a good hug to tide me over until I can see you again?"
He threw his arms out, and embraced Pacey. "I love you, Uncle Pacey," Alex said softly in Pacey ear.
The tears began to fall from Pacey's eyes. "I love you too," Pacey said. "You be good for mommy and Aunt Jo, okay?"
Alex nodded, as he signaled for Bessie to pick him up. Bessie took him in her arms, and turned her attention back to Pacey. She gave him another hug. "You take care of yourself," she told him. "We want you back as soon as you can."
Pacey smiled affectionately at Bessie. "Thanks for everything, Bes."
"Anytime," she said. "Don't forget to send me a letter once in a while."
"Okay," he said. Bessie squeezed his hand before she left the room with Alex.
He moved to Joey, and took both her hands into his. His tears were flowing freely now. "What do I say to tell you how I feel right now?" she asked.
"If you're like me, you can't say anything."
Her tears, too, began to fall. "I'm going to miss you so much," she said, her head falling into his chest.
He wrapped his arms around her. "I'm going to miss you too," he whispered.
She looked up at him, and said, "I'm going to be thinking about you every second."
"We're going to talk all the time, right?"
"Yeah," she said. "And I'm going to come and visit during spring break."
"And I'll be back for graduation."
She smiled wearily, and placed her hand over his heart. "And I'll always be here, right?"
"Forever," he said, leaning his forehead against hers. "Everything is going to be okay," he reassured.
"I think it will be."
He inhaled deeply, knowing it would be his last time to smell her. A cough came with his breath, and she looked worried. "It's okay," he said. "I just want to make sure I don't forget a thing about you."
She smiled. "You behave yourself in Carolina, Witter," she said. "No partying or picking up women while I'm not around."
He laughed. "What am I going to do for fun then?"
"Miss me," she said.
"I am already," he whispered.
She gave him a sweet, gentle kiss on his lips. "I love you, Pacey," she whispered.
"I love you too, Jo," he said. Instantly, she could see from his expression that he had to go, and not another word was said.
She followed him, as he walked to the door, not releasing his hand. She threw her arm around his neck, giving him one last hug. He gave her a strong smile. It was his last attempt to let her know that everything would be alright. She closed her eyes, and gently squeezed his hand. As he began to walk away, she wouldn't let him go. He looked at her sadly, as their arms stretched farther apart. Finally, she let her hand fall to the side, as he walked away. While the car drove away, she began to wipe her tears.
* * * * *
The End