December 25, 2000
Pacey stared up at the clock, and sighed. It read 4:30. He had been awake for an hour, and just couldn't go back to sleep. Although he had been lulled into relaxation by listening to Joey breathe, he was still very anxious. He didn't want to waste time sleeping when he could spend time with her.
'Hold it there, Pace. What are you talking about? This is Joey here. No romantic notions should be present.' As much as he was trying to convince himself otherwise, he was developing some pretty intense feelings for Joey. Sure, he had heard of love at first sight. This was different. There was something strange about this.
He gently sat up from his place on the floor, and looked at Joey. Her face was being illuminated by some light from outside that was flowing through window. She was beautiful: He couldn't deny that. 'What's going on?' he thought. Yesterday, he had seen a side of Joey that he really liked; a side he could even love. It was like she had rescued him from the depths of hell. He supported his head with his hand as he continued to examine her. "What are you doing Josephine Potter?" he quietly whispered.
He had always wanted to know what was going on in her head, but this time he just felt he had to know. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what had changed, but he did know that he liked it. He had always kept up a jovial appearance for everyone, but yesterday had been the first time in months that he felt truly alive. Joey too. She seemed to have lost all of her inhibitions, and didn't appear to have her normal lethargy.
He gently pushed a strand of hair from her face, and she stirred slightly. She looked worried. He didn't know how he knew that. He just did. 'I wish she talked in her sleep,' he thought.
His thoughts were interrupted when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He turned and smiled when he saw the head of brown curls poking around the corner. Next a pair of dark brown eyes poked from behind the wall. Alex's eyes widen when he saw that Pacey was awake. He took off, sprinting toward Pacey. In seconds he had thrown his arms around Pacey's neck. Pacey smiled. 'I could get used to this,' he thought.
"Merry Christmas Uncle Pacey!" Alex exclaimed.
Pacey quickly clamped a hand over Alex's mouth. "Aunt Joey's asleep still. You have to be quiet."
Alex nodded, and Pacey removed his hand. "We can wake her up," he said mischievously.
"I think that she needs a little more time to sleep."
"Aw," Alex said. "Have you been up long?"
"A little while," Pacey said.
"Did you see Santa?"
"Naw," Pacey said. "You know that Santa makes sure that no one sees him."
"You're right," Alex said, nodding. He looked up at Pacey from his seat in his lap genuinely. "I'm glad that you're staying here with us for Christmas."
Joey gently stirred at the voices, slowly awakening. Curious, she pretend to stay asleep, hoping to hear what was going on.
"I'm glad that I'm staying here too," Pacey said.
"How come your mommy and daddy didn't want you to stay with them at Christmas?"
"I don't know," Pacey said. "It doesn't matter, though. Because I'd rather be here with you and your Aunt Joey than anywhere else in the whole entire world."
"I know," he said, smiling. Pacey laughed, and tickled Alex's stomach. After he was finished laughing, he looked seriously at Pacey once again. "I wish that you would spend more time here."
"Why?"
"I just do," he said simply. "I like playing with you, and Aunt Joey isn't so grouchy when you're around. She's almost . . . happy."
"She is?" Pacey asked. Alex nodded. "You know something, Al?"
"What?"
"I'm happier when Aunt Joey is around too."
"I know," Alex said again. He was, no doubt, entering his know-it-all stage.
Joey was beaming inside. That one statement had made her day. She couldn't pretend to sleep any more. As soon as she opened her eyes, Alex noticed. He used his small arm to shake her. "Aunt Joey! Aunt Joey! Get up! It's Christmas!"
Joey laughed. As much as she complained, she adored her nephew, and didn't mind waking up so early. Especially considering her second sight of the day. She was happy to wake up to Pacey's gentle smile. She smiled back at him. "Can I wake mommy?" Alex asked his aunt.
"Go ahead," Joey said. Alex rushed off. Joey focused her gaze on Pacey. She watched him as he stood, and then looked back at her. "Merry Christmas, Pace," she said, as she stood.
"Merry Christmas, Jo," he whispered, standing just over her head.
Instinctively, she gave him a gentle hug. "I'm really glad you're here," she whispered. "Today will be a good day." She was determined to will today a good day. She didn't want to let whatever bad thing that was supposed to happen to Pacey happen.
"Come on!" Alex yelled, as he pulled them both from their embrace. They stood in the doorway, and watched as he surveyed the tree, systematically deciding which presents to open.
Alex's joy was inspiring. Joey turned to look at Pacey watching Alex and laughing. Pacey looked back at her, and smiled.
He leaned closer to her, and gently kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you," he said softly.
For some reason, she blushed. She was really starting to believe in all this true love and fate stuff. "What was that for?" she asked.
He raised his eyes to look at the ceiling, and she followed suit. He smiled. "Mistletoe."
She grinned. "That, Mr. Witter, was a trap."
* * * * *
Joey and Bessie were sitting on their porch steps, watching as Pacey and Alex played with one of the toys Alex had gotten for Christmas. They were laughing, because it looked like Pacey was playing with it more than Alex.
"Where'd you get that?" Bessie asked her sister, pointing to the ring on her finger.
"It's my present from Pacey," Joey said.
"Pacey gave you that?"
"Yeah," Joey said.
"It's beautiful," Bessie said. "It looks like it was expensive."
Joey looked down at the ring. She hadn't realized it, but Bessie was right. "It does," she whispered.
Bessie lowered her tone considerably. "What's going on, Joey?"
"Huh?" Joey asked confusedly.
"You and Pacey. What's happening?"
"I don't know," Joey said thoughtfully.
"It's like things are changing between you two," Bessie said.
"They are," Joey said. "As far as I'm concerned I've been seeing the best side of Pacey lately."
"Are you going to . . . date him?"
Joey shrugged. "I think that's up to fate."
"Fate?" Bessie asked, raising an eyebrow. "Since when do you believe in fate?"
"Since fate gave me Pacey for Christmas."
"That's a little trite," Bessie said. "What's gotten into you, Joey?"
She shrugged again, not answering.
"You love him?"
She sighed, and rolled her eyes. "That's just a little premature."
Joey felt almost alarmed when she saw Pacey stop quickly, and stand completely still. It looked like he couldn't catch his breath. She ran up beside him. "Pacey, are you okay?"
He stood with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. "Yeah," he said. "Just a little wore out." He stood, once again. "I can't compete with a two-year-old."
"Why don't we go inside where it's warm," she said. She grabbed his hand, and led him in the house, leaving Bessie to play with Alex.
Joey handed Pacey a glass of water as he sat on the couch. "Are you sure that you're okay?"
Pacey nodded. "I'm fine. The cold . . . it's not easy on you when you're chasing after a kid."
"All right," Joey said.
"Pacey, you have company!" Bessie yelled inside.
Pacey walked to the door to find his father. "Could I speak to you?" he asked.
"Yeah," Pacey said. "Could we have a few minutes please?" he asked Joey.
"Are you . . . are you sure?" she asked. Pacey nodded. Without another word, Joey put on her coat and went to rejoin Bessie outside.
* * * * *
Joey sat, nervously tapping her foot on the ground. Mr. Witter had been inside with Pacey way too long. 'This is the bad thing that's going to happen. This is the bad thing that's going to happen.' That's what she kept saying to herself. No matter what she had done, his fate had been sealed from the get go. She worried about Pacey, and damned Shane. That stupid angel had been more trouble than he was worth. Angel. She still couldn't figure out if he was real or not.
Finally, Pacey's dad emerged from the house. He flashed an incredibly fake smile at Joey and Bessie. "Thank you both," he said, as he walked away.
Joey sat for a moment, deep in thought. She looked at her sister. "I have to check on him," she said.
Bessie nodded as Joey slowly crept inside. She surveyed the room, searching for Pacey. She saw him sitting in a chair, facing the window. He wasn't looking out of it, but had his face was buried in his hands. She slowly walked over, and knelt beside him, placing a hand on his knee. "Pace?" she whispered.
He didn't move. "Go away," he said.
"What's wrong?" she asked gently.
"Not now."
"I can help," she said.
He lifted his head, and looked down at her. She was shocked to see him crying. "Just give me a few minutes," he said softly.
She reached up, and wiped the tears from his face. He pulled his head away from her hand. "What did that bastard do?" she asked.
He closed his eyes, and exhaled. "Please," he pleaded. "I need to be alone."
She was so confused. "No," she said. He looked at her questioningly. "You need me."
Pacey began to enter defensive mode. "Look, just because I'm crying--"
"You never cry," she said calmly. "I know that something bad has happened."
He contorted to his face. "Joey, just leave me alone. I don't need your pity."
She grabbed his hand. "I just want to help," she said. "What's wrong?"
He closed his eyes, and shook his head. "Let it go," he said.
"No," she said, raising her voice slightly. "Tell me."
He stood up, and turned his back to her. He didn't want to have to look at her. It was obvious she would break him, and he would have to tell her. He knew that the what he had to say would hurt her, and he didn't want to see her when it did. "It's Christmas . . . and you . . . you don't want to hear this. Not today."
She stood, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Pacey, I want to know what's wrong. Please tell me."
"I'm moving," he said softly. It felt like her heart was dropping to her stomach, and she instinctively snatched her hand away. She was feeling deja vu. It was just like Dawson. The same thing, and it left her uneasy. If Pacey left, there'd be no one to help her through it like he had helped her through Dawson leaving.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Her mind stopped briefly at his words. "Where?" she asked.
"North Carolina."
She turned to look out the window, hoping to hide the tears that were forming in her eyes. "After school's finished, right?"
Pain was all he could feel at that comment. "No," he answered. "January second."
"A week? You're leaving in a week?"
"Yeah," he said.
She turned back to him. "Pacey, you have to finish school. I mean, if your dad kicked you out or something we can--"
"He didn't kick me out," Pacey said. "I have to go."
She looked at him seriously. "Pacey, you're too smart to be a high school drop-out."
He looked at her uncertainly. She had never thought he was smart. Her new outlooks were beginning to make him feel a little strange. She looked into his eyes, waiting for him to say something. "I . . . um . . . I took the test for my GED three days ago."
"A GED?" she asked. "Pacey, you can't think that . . . a GED is just . . ."
"Come on, Jo," he said. "It's not like my grades are outstanding or anything, and since I had to go, I wanted to finish it all now."
"Five months," she said. "Something is so important that you can't wait five months?" He nodded. "What?" she asked. "Some hot chick? A get rich quick scheme?"
"Don't do this, Jo," he said. "This is why I didn't want to tell you today. We've been having such a nice time."
She looked at him scornfully. "And when were you going to tell me? You're all I've got left, Pacey. You're moving hundreds of miles away in a week, and you still hadn't told me."
"I just found out for sure. Just now."
"So it does have something to do with your father?"
"No," he said.
"Dammit, Pacey! Tell me!!" she screamed.
He looked at her angered face sadly, and his bottom lip began to quiver. "I . . . I have cancer."
She staggered backward, barely able to remain standing. 'This is not happening. This is not happening,' she kept telling herself. "What?" she said quietly, hoping somehow it wouldn't be true.
"Cancer," he said. "I have cancer. I'm going down there for better medical treatment. It can't . . . it can't wait."
She began pounding her fists in his chest frantically. "How could you do this to me? How could you make me love you and do this?!" she screamed. He grabbed her wrists to keep her from hitting him again. She looked up into his sad eyes, as tears began to pour from her eyes. She threw her arms around him, and hugged him with all the strength that she had left. He hugged her back as he began to cry again.
* * * * *
Pacey watched Joey as she washed dishes emotionlessly. He felt so guilty about what had happened; like he had crashed her whole world down around her. On Christmas no less.
"Uncle Pacey," Alex said, shaking his knee, "will you come play with me?"
"Sure," Pacey said with a gentle smile, as he followed Alex to the Christmas tree.
Bessie noticed that her sister's mood had made a drastic change as well. It seemed like she was just going through motions. "Jo," she said softly, "are you okay?"
Joey looked at her sister to reveal her tear-stained eyes. "Joey, what's the matter?" Bessie asked.
Joey threw her arms around her sister, and still didn't say a word. She just needed someone to take care of her right now. Bessie swayed gently, and stroked her sister's hair. "Joey, what is it?" she asked gently. "Did . . . did Pacey do something?"
Joey pulled away, and looked at her sister. "He has . . . cancer," she whispered.
Bessie's hand flew to her mouth. "He what?"
"He has cancer," Joey said. "And he's moving in a week. To North Carolina."
Bessie hugged her sister once again. "Is he . . . okay?"
"Now," Joey said. "I don't know the specifics really. When he told me, I couldn't . . . I couldn't really think clearly."
"Are you okay?"
"No," Joey said. "He's my best friend, and, as crazy as I know this sounds, he's my soulmate. Don't ask me how I know, because I just do." Bessie looked at her sister strangely. She was growing worried. "Bes, I . . .I," she stammered, as tears began sliding down her cheeks again. "I can't watch him die."
"Joey, it doesn't mean that he's going to die," Bessie tried to reassure.
"We don't know what's going to happen," Joey said. "I could lose him. I could lose someone else I care about. And it's . . . it's just not fair."
"As much as it sucks," Bessie said, "life isn't fair. And I agree. You've had too much on you, but you're going to get through this just like you got through all the rest."
"It's going to be just like mom," Joey said softly.
Bessie was dying inside. She hated to see her sister in such pain. "It's not," she said. "It's different now. Pacey is a different person. All the technology is different. You're different. Jo, you can help him through this. You'll be able to understand. And as insane as this sounds, you're going to have to be strong for him, because he's going to need you more than anyone else ever has."
"How much more can I take before I break?" Joey asked. "How long am I going to be able to take this?"
"Joey," Bessie began seriously, "I don't know what's happened to you over the past couple days, but you and Pacey . . . it's almost like you're all that each other has. I don't know if that's what brought you together in the first place. I have no idea why you all the sudden feel he's your soulmate. What I do know is that you've always cared about him, no matter what you've said. I saw how he took care of you after Dawson left. Maybe now it's your turn."
Joey nodded, but didn't know exactly what to say.
"Besides," Bessie continued, "if you love him, romantic or otherwise, it should be easy."
"Nothing is ever easy," Joey said.
* * * * *
Joey and Pacey were sitting on the couch watching "It's a Wonderful Life." The house was quiet, as Alex and Bessie were already in bed. Joey watched Pacey intently. She knew that Bessie was right, but she had no idea how she was going to help Pacey. She didn't know what she could do for him.
He looked at her. In that second they were having a conversation without words. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't want this to happen . . . not today."
"It's not your fault," Joey said. "How long . . . have you known?"
He looked down. "A couple weeks," he mumbled.
"You weren't going to tell me, were you?"
He nodded. "Once I found out that my dad wanted me to move I just . . . I figured that you wouldn't have to know."
She was hurt very deeply. She shook her head. "Pacey, you can't, you can't . . . Why?"
"I just didn't want to hurt you," he said. "You have so much to deal with."
"But, Pace, you can't do this alone."
"I know," he choked out. "It's just that . . . my life is falling apart in front of my very own eyes, and I . . . I didn't want to drag you into it."
"You're the only friend I have left," she said softly. "I want to help."
He exhaled, hoping, in vain, to gain some composure. "I'm scared, Jo."
She took him into her arms, and began gently stroking his hair. He buried his head in her shoulder, and she knew that he was crying. "Pace, it's going to be okay. We can beat this. I know we can." She heard him whimper a bit. "I'm going to stick this out with you," she continued. "It would be a pretty cruel joke for me to figure how good a guy you are, and to figure out . . . how much I really care for you just to have you taken away from me. I'm . . . I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
He knew that he should say that she didn't have to, but he didn't want to. He knew how badly he was going to need her. She would probably be the one who could comprehend what he was going to go through, and he knew that it was going to get worse. He didn't say anything, because he didn't know what to say.
She felt him trembling. It was breaking her heart to watch him like this. Pacey had always been the strong one, and now she knew that he was facing the ultimate test of his strength. All she knew that it was her turn to be strong, because he needed her. She was determined that it was not going to win. It wasn't going to take another person that she loved.
* * * * *
Where Angels Fear To Tread by Kilby
Chapter Notes
Author's Note: I'm really working hard to wrap this up before Christmas, so sit tight! Thanks to Helen, Kate, Kit, Lisa, and Laura for helping me with this one. It was a toughie.