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Insatiable by Kilby

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"Free my heart to feel again
Free my mind to understand
Pull the blinds from my eyes
Let me see these endless skies
Tear this anger from my soul
Wash me clean and make me whole
Work my hands to make them strong
Lift my arms to carry on
Anywhere I go, never be alone
Finding myself too far from home"
-- Don Sweetman


She looked back at herself in the mirror on the sun visor. It was a horrible sight. Her hair was a mess, her eyes puffy from the tears. She dug through her purse for a tissue, and began wiping her face. After getting out her make-up bag, she began to re-apply her foundation.

Anything to keep her from having to go inside.

As she applied the powder to her face, she began to weep again. It was hopeless, really. She'd probably weep until she was out of tears. It was that simple and that complex all at the same time.

She didn't know what she was going to say to him.

She was going to lie. She knew that.

There was no way in hell that she'd tell Dawson the truth. She could just see how that'd go over. You know your best friend Pacey? The guy you've known since you were five? Well, I slept with him last night. I know we're married and all, but I was sleeping with him long before that happened. Yeah right.

Dawson didn't deserve this. And she didn't deserve Dawson. She didn't know why he'd been stupid enough to agree. After all, she'd only agreed to the wedding thinking he'd back out in the last minute. Of course, he went through with it. He never found out about what had happened between she and Pacey.

Even she was astounded that it ever happened.

He was quiet, staring at his abnormal psych book, but not quite seeing the words on the pages. She looked up from her own book thoughtfully. "Is something the matter?"

He shook his head, slamming the book shut as he stood to pace the room. "I thought you were going out with Dawson tonight?"

"He's hung up in the computer lab. He lost his whole econ paper nearly halfway through it. He'll be all night doing the rewrite. Why? Do you want to go out tonight?"

"No. Yes. I don't know," he said, shaking his head.

"What?" she asked confusedly. "What's up with you tonight?"

He looked back at her, running an absent hand through his hair. "I'm moving out."

"Moving out?" she asked, tucking her foot underneath her leg, setting her book aside on the end-table. "You can't be serious. How are you going to pay for school and live on your own?"

"I'm moving into the dorms," he said. "Changing my major, starting over."

"What? It's too hard for you to live with Dawson and me now? We interfere with your studying or something? Because if I recall, you're the one who's waking us up at night bringing women back here."

He shook his head. "You just wouldn't understand, Jo."

"Try me."

He shook his head again. "I don't think so."

"You could at least give me an explanation," she said. "I thought we had a really happy home here. I'd worry about you if you weren't here so I could keep an eye on you. Whatever the problem is, I'm sure we can fix it."

"I want to sleep with you."

"What?"

"See, that would definitely break up our happy little home," he said sarcastically.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Pacey?" she screamed, bursting on to her feet. "Have you lost your damn mind?"

He smiled ruefully. "Obviously. Tomorrow I'll be out of the way, so it will make no difference."

"Pacey," she sighed, weakening a bit. She rested an absent hand on his shoulder. "You're just . . . you're over-reacting, Pacey."

He nodded, turning around slowly. "Sure, Joey. I'm overreacting. It's perfectly normal for a man to think about screwing his best friend's girlfriend day and night. I should just fuck you and get it out of my system, right?"

"Will that help?" she asked softly. She felt like her mouth had gone independent of the rest of her body. It was way too appealing, and if she'd been able to think about anything else other than the mental image it provoked, she surely wouldn't have said it.

He looked at her doubtfully. "Have you fucking lost your mind?"

"I think about it too," she shrugged. "I hear you some nights, you know."

"Maybe I should start packing," he said, walking quickly back to his room.

She followed him. "Maybe you're right, Pacey. If we just . . . do it, we won't have to wonder anymore."

"No."

She laughed. "What? I'm not as good as those two-bit whores you bring home on the weekend, Pacey? My inexperience would be lost on a man as worldly as you? Get the hell over yourself."

"What about Dawson?"

"Dawson's not here."

"So you're willing to give up what you have with Dawson for a night with me?"

"I'm not giving up anything. This isn't about feeling or emotion or me leaving him for you. You want to sleep with me. I want to sleep with you. So why the hell don't we do it? It's not like it'll mean anything."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"So . . ." he said, waiting for her.

"So," she echoed. She hadn't pictured the moment being so awkward. "Kiss me."

And he did.

It wasn't as tentative as she'd expected. It burned, sending tingles through every nerve ending in her body in record time. Her legs had somehow gone limp, and she felt Pacey back her toward the wall, pinning her against it.

In a moment of quick thinking, she managed to shut his bedroom door and turn the lock. That would've been some unexpected situation for Dawson to walk in on.

Her breath grew labored quickly, and everything about them and their movement was frantic. They both quickly removed only the clothing that stood in the way.

She pulled away slightly. "On the bed." When he didn't move, only moving his lips to her neck, she pushed him backward.

He toppled back on the bed, finally taking a moment and looking up at her. He watched her for a moment, taking in her disheveled condition, trying to figure out how his fantasy matched reality. She pushed his pants to the ground and he kicked them off. She wasted no time straddling him and quickly lowering herself on to his erection.

It had been quick, over in a matter of minutes. That was the way they both wanted it. When it was over, they didn't lay together and there were no loving words or caresses. She replaced her clothes, just as he did, before leaving the room.

And he continued to pack.

Joey sighed, resting her head on the steering wheel. It had started innocently. It had been a plan to end all the tension. They had both been as unfeeling and removed as possible.

But it didn't work. They found themselves in the same position every time they were alone, even long after Pacey'd left the apartment. It got more complicated. Feelings got involved. She'd began to lay with him afterward. It had gotten more dangerous.

Now it was as dangerous as it could get. She wondered if the guilt she'd felt when she looked in Dawson's eyes after she'd first slept with Pacey would be there again. She wondered if she'd crack for good this time.

There was only one way to find out.

* * * * *

She checked her face in the compact one more time. Her hand shook, but her face looked fine. Digging through her purse, she found her key and unlocked the door.

Dawson was inside, cooking pancakes in the kitchen. "Hey, Jo," he said, looking over his shoulder to smile at her. "How's your client?"

Her face fell as she watched him, standing there so innocently. She sighed, dropping her purse to the floor, letting her face fall into her hands. He walked to her enveloping her in his arms. "Shh," he soothed, gently rubbing her back just under her shoulder blade. "It's okay, Jo," he murmured.

She buried her head in his shoulder deeply as she began to weep. She had never planned to do this to him. He didn't deserve it.

When she pulled away and saw him staring back at her, the concern deep in his eyes. She knew there was only one way to fix it.

She had to leave.

* * * * *

She ate quietly with Dawson. He didn't press her, because she'd let him think that one of her clients had been successful in his suicide attempt last night. She'd called in sick to work, and Dawson had tucked her safely and securely in the bed before he left for the hospital, kissing her softly on the cheek.

After he'd left, she got up out of her bed, and consciously began to pack her things. She hadn't been married for a month, and she was leaving her husband. It was the only thing she could do. He deserved not to have to endure the pain that news of her nights with Pacey would bring. It would be easier if she just was out of his life for good.

But she didn't know where she'd go, or what she'd do.

She picked up her cell phone, and dialed him with little thought. "Pacey," she said when she was relieved he'd answered. "I need a favor."

"What is it?" he asked.

"I need to stay with you tonight. Can I come to your apartment tonight?"

"What's going on, Jo?"

"I'm leaving him," she said softly. "I'm not asking you for anything," she clarified, "but I just need somewhere to stay tonight. And I just need someone to talk to. I'm not asking you for much."

"Okay," he said softly. "You're making a mistake, though."

"Don't do this now, Pacey," she whispered. "Just wait until you get home from work tonight so we can talk."

"Okay," he replied. "You have the key."

"I'll see you then."

With that, she turned off her phone, and began to throw her clothes in a suitcase. She wasn't going to leave him a note. There was no way to explain. He'd get the picture when he found her things gone.

That would be the easiest for everyone.

* * * * *
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