She nervously stirred her coffee. The clink the spoon made was rather noticeable, and it drew the attention of a couple at the booth next to hers. She dropped the spoon, and, instead, began to nervously play with her hands. She checked her watch again, and noticed that he was fifteen minutes late.
Obviously, she didn't want to think about what that actually meant. He wasn't going to come. Things were confusing her, and there was no evidence that they would straighten out on their own. After all, a man had professed that he loved her, then subsequently lied about where he was and refused to meet her.
Her emotions had run the gamut when Dawson read Pacey's telephone number to her. She wanted to jump with excitement over the fact that he was so close. Never in a million years did she imagine that finding him only a few miles away would still leave him so distant. She'd never imagine he would purposely not come to meet her.
But here she was, no better off than she'd been this afternoon, thinking he was living in Philadelphia. Worse off than she was two months ago when Pacey was just her friend.
She barely even realized his presence when he slowly slid into the seat across from her. He was reluctant to meet her gaze, however, looking at his hands in lieu of raising his eyes.
"I didn't think that you were coming," she whispered.
"I wasn't going to," he mumbled. "I don't know what you want."
"You lied to me," she blurted out. That was not the line she'd rehearsed for the last hour. In fact, that was no where near what she wanted to say.
"I didn't want to make you think that I came here because of you," he said. "Penn State wouldn't give me any financial aid, and I had to come here." He looked up at her, unknowing that he wore a cold stare on his face. He nodded, and smiled halfway at a waitress who put a cup of coffee in front of him. "I thought things were finished."
"You just told me that you loved me and then walked away, Pacey. I'm not sure what else I was supposed to do."
She could see that he was confused when he looked back at her. "I don't know why you called me here," he said. "We can save the 'we can still be friends speech.' I already know that you don't feel the same way."
"What?" she whispered. She searched her brain, not really sure where he got that idea. Ever present optimist that Pacey was, she thought that he could hold on to hope forever, certain ideas crazy glued to his brain.
"I don't want you to feel bad," he said. "I understand, so just let it go."
Her breaths seemed to be catching in her chest, and weren't allowing themselves to move out of her mouth. "Pacey, I don't know why you think that."
"I read the letter," he said. "It was an accident, but it's not one I can fix."
"Letter?" she said. She wasn't sure what he was talking about. She had written him a letter, but hadn't had the courage to mail it. Other than that, she wasn't sure what he meant.
"Your letter to Dawson," he said. "You dropped it during finals week, and I read it."
Joey's face fell as she looked back at Pacey. "You read that?" she choked out.
He nodded. "It was really beautiful, you know. I was sort of crazy too. At first, I thought it was for me."
Suddenly so many things made sense to her. The way he'd never looked at her the same after that day. The way he'd change direction when she was walking down the street. The way his eyes stopped sparkling. The lack of enthusiasm when she came around.
"That letter was a year old," she whispered, looking intently at her coffee mug again.
"Huh?"
"Remember when Dawson and I broke it off junior year?" she asked. "I went through a pathetic stage then. Truth was, of all our break-ups, this was the only one he initiated. Dawson was unmoving, and I wrote him that letter." She sighed, before looking up at him. "When I read it over, I realized how pathetic I actually was. The last thing I wanted to be was who I was then--so dependant on a man that I lost myself. So, I kept that letter with me all the time, just to remind of what I didn't want to be."
She tried to read his expression, but it was nearly impossible. He seemed to be fighting, trying to keep the emotions at bay. The problem with that was she didn't know how to react to his reaction.
"When you told me that you loved me, I thought it was crazy," she mumbled. "A few days later . . . It started making sense."
"What?" he said, his neck snapping up.
"You were the one, Pace," she said. "You were there for me through everything. When things were through with Dawson, you were the one I ran to. And I was just too caught up in my own melodrama to see you. When you told me, it helped me open my eyes and see what was there all along."
"What are you saying?" he asked.
"As I look back, you've always been the one who was there for me. Now that I know how you feel, I think there's a chance for us," she said. "We could start slowly, and--"
"You might grow to love me?" he asked, sounding more helpless than bitter. "That's not what I want, and that's not what you want. Let's just forget about all this. I'll see you around, Jo."
He got up from the booth, and walked out in the rain. She sat there quietly, cowering in the booth. She should've just said the I love you she'd planned on, but it didn't want to come out of her mouth. In her effort to be responsible, she sacrificed him. Now he was gone, and there was nothing she could do. For the second time he walked away after leaving her speechless.
* * * * *
Rainy Day Man by Allure and Mya
When I think about the first time
I thought I found someone who cared for me
But things were not as they appeared to be
Rainy day man
On your shoulder I cried
When my first brush with love
Left me shaking inside
Rainy day, rainy day, rainy day man
Ever since I can remember
Like a brother
You've been strong and true
Always been the one to see me through
Rainy day man
You're much more than a friend
I would give anything
Just to see you again
Rainy day man
On you're shoulder I cried
When my first brush with love
Left me shaking inside
Rainy day man
You're much more than a friend
I would give anything
Just to see you again
Rainy day, rainy day
Rainy day man
* * * * *
NOT to be continued.