December 24th, 2008

"… and so here's to good friends at Christmas and many more like it! Cheers!"

Exclamations of approval could be heard around the table as everyone clinked their glasses of eggnog.

"Not too loud," Jack warned as he settled back to his seat beside Doug, "we'll wake Amy."

Tobey rolled his eyes. "Oh, relax, Dad. I'm sure she's sound asleep with visions of sugar plums dancing in her head."

Beside Tobey, Ryan slipped an arm over Tobey's shoulder. "My boyfriend, the poet."

"I wouldn't get too excited, Ryan," Doug said, "I'm pretty sure he stole that line."

Tobey placed a finger in front of his lips. "Shh," he whispered in mock-seriousness.

Jack smiled at his friends, incredulous that this scene could even be possible. It was the first Christmas after Jen's death but with his daughter upstairs, the love of his life beside him, and two of his best friends across from him, he could not imagine himself any happier.

"So what did Santa bring for Amy?" Tobey asked, winking at the two men across from him.

Jack shrugged. "Beats me. He hasn't come yet."

"Who?"

"Santa," Doug said, playing along with Jack.

"I see," Tobey said, smiling. "Well, Santa came early for me." He smiled lovingly to his boyfriend.

Ryan grinned sheepishly. "I couldn't wait for Christmas."

Tobey displayed his left hand for everyone and Jack and Doug saw the silver band around his ring finger.

"Wow," Jack said.

Ryan pulled out his hand as well, showing off an identical ring.

Jack smiled at them. "What, are you guys married now or something?"

"They're more like promise rings," Ryan said. "But not in the high school sweetheart sense. More in the life-partners sense."

Doug grinned. "So you are married."

Jack laughed and the other two men pretended to be annoyed but their smiles betrayed them.

"Anyways," Tobey said, "I think we all know what these rings are really about."

Everyone looked at him.

"It's just an elaborate ruse to get me in bed."

"You caught me," Ryan said, "because, you know, I really find it difficult to get you in the sack considering the fact that we sleep in the same bed!"

Tobey pointed a finger at his boyfriend. "I'm on to you, mister."

Jack laughed. "You can hardly blame him, Tobey."

"Why's that?"

"Well, many men have gone to great lengths to get the magnificent Tobey Barret in bed."

Tobey grinned. "You included."

"Me included. And I succeeded."

Ryan rolled his eyes and focused his attention at Doug. "Isn't it great how these two never fail to remind us that they've slept together?"

"Oh yeah, wonderful," Doug deadpanned. He looked at Jack and Tobey. "But come on. It's not like you guys have got any advantage over Ryan and me- you haven't slept together since you were seventeen!"

Jack and Tobey's eyes met then and neither could hold back the knowing smile that crept across both of their faces.

"Well …" Tobey muttered.

"Well?" Ryan said. "Well what?"

Neither man said anything as they exchanged another knowing look.

"Well what?" Doug repeated, his tone growing hard.

"Relax, it wasn't when either of us were dating you guys," Jack said.

Doug and Ryan stared at their boyfriends. "You guys slept together after you broke up," Ryan said.

Jack and Tobey nodded.

"We weren't doing anything wrong!" Tobey said to the other two men who both looked as if they had been betrayed. "We were both uninvolved at the time. It's really not a big deal."

"Then how come neither of us knew about it?" Doug asked quietly.

Jack and Tobey's eyes locked again. "I can't believe they're making such a big deal out of this," Jack said.

"We're making a big deal because it's weird that this has never come up!" Ryan said, his ears and cheeks flushing red, contrasting strongly with his blonde curls and pale skin.

"It's just never had anything to do with our conversations," Tobey said.

"Right," Ryan sneered, directing his words at both Jack and Tobey. "Because we never talk about your previous relationship. No, wait, we do! We talk about it all the time!"

"Calm down, Ryan!" Tobey said.

Jack looked cautiously over at Doug.

"He's got a point," Doug said angrily.

"Neither of you has got a point," Jack said. "Look, you guys are just jumping to conclusions but neither of you have even heard the story."

"OK," Ryan said, crossing his arms across his chest, "what's the story?"

Silence filled the room as Doug and Ryan looked expectantly at their boyfriends who were both suddenly rendered speechless, as if the air had been knocked out of them.

"Kind of unfair to tell us we'd understand better if we heard the story when neither of you are willing to tell it," Doug said.

"Fine," Jack said quietly, "might as well tell you guys. That is, if it's alright with you, Tobey?"

Tobey nodded. "Not much of choice, I guess."

Jack sighed and folded his hands. "Alright. Well, it was second year of college for both Tobey and me-"

"-a little after a year after Jack and I broke up," Tobey added.

"Right. Tobey and I had kind of just started becoming friends again. You know, we talked, ate out together every now and then … stuff like that. I remember being a little nervous about it at the time, actually. I didn't want us to get back together and then for one of us to get hurt again."

"I was thinking that too," Tobey said, "but I had already decided that I didn't want a relationship at that time."

"Why not?" Ryan asked, obviously much calmer already.

Tobey looked at his boyfriend. "I'd just found out I was positive."

Ryan nodded, gently placing a hand over Tobey's. "Right."

"Yeah. That's true," Jack said. "Anyways, Christmas was coming up. My plans were to go to Italy with my father to see Andie and Jen and Grams were going to New York to visit Jen's parents."

"My plans were kind of up in the air until about December 20th," Tobey said, "when my parents called me and actually invited me to Christmas Eve supper. They said they had something they wanted to talk to me about. I thought it was a miracle. I mean, when I'd told them I was positive, they practically told me I deserved it."

Ryan looked at his boyfriend. "That was before they-"

"Just listen to the story," Tobey advised.

"Speaking of which," Doug said, also much calmer, "I don't really see how any of this has anything to do with you guys sleeping together."

Jack rolled his eyes at Doug. "Just setting the scene. So where were we, Tobey, before we were so rudely interrupted?"

"I believe we had just explained our initial Christmas plans."

"Of course. Well, my plans, unfortunately, fell through. My father was supposed to have bought plane tickets for the two of us but there was some kind of confusion or something and he only bought one for himself. Pretty convenient, huh? Anyways, his flight was all booked up and getting a different one would have been difficult at the last minute, considering the time of year. I guess we could have worked something out but my father basically said, 'Oh well, I guess you can't come,' which made it pretty clear how he felt. I just didn't feel like dealing with that kind of thing all through Christmas anyways so I opted for staying in Boston."

"Alone?" Doug asked.

Jack shrugged. "Yeah. It didn't really bother me."

"OK, I think the scene has been sufficiently set," Ryan said. "Let's hear the rest of the story."

"Good idea," Jack said. "I guess this pretty much brings us to Christmas Eve …"

December 24th, 2002

Jack crawled underneath the piney branches of the Christmas tree and found the switch located on the wire. After flipping it on, he crawled back out and stood back, admiring the blinking lights on the tree he had helped Jen and Grams decorate a week earlier. The scene was actually very picturesque- the traditional Christmas tree, the fire crackling in the fireplace, the gently falling snow in the night outside. Jack experienced a brief feeling of loneliness as he realized how much more beautiful this would all seem with someone to share it with. But, he reminded himself, he was not really alone. Perhaps for a few days he was but he had family … he had a father and sister in Italy, he had Grams and Jen in New York. He tried to ignore the fact that it was Christmas Eve and he was not with either of them. That both of these "families" had their own plans, neither of which included him. Jack shook his head, as if to dispel these depressing thoughts. Besides, he reminded himself, he had a pile of Christmas movies to occupy him for the evening.

Just as he was about to slide National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation into the VCR, the doorbell rang. Jack made his way to the front door and swung it open. Before him stood a red-eyed, distressed-looking Tobey.

"I didn't know where else to go," Tobey said.

"Tobey …"

Jack let his friend in and after hanging up his jacket, ushered him to the living room couch.

"So what's up?" Jack asked gently.

Tobey sniffed, his eyes welling up. "I just- I went to my parents' and- and-" He burst into tears.

Jack did not think when he pulled the sobbing young man into his arms. It just felt like the only right thing to do. Afterwards, neither man would remember how long they sat on the couch, Jack holding the shattered Tobey, but both remembered it feeling like an eternity had passed when Tobey was finally able to speak again.

"I went to my parents' for supper, you know, like I had planned."

Jack nodded, placing his hand over Tobey's. The truth was, he was half frightened to hear this story. He had never seen Tobey in this state before.

"And um, well, they were acting really weird when I got there. Like, they were all snobby, as usual, but they wouldn't even look at me. They kept looking at each other though. Like they had some kind of secret." He sniffed. "Anyways, I was sitting in the living room with them, trying desperately to have a conversation with them when my dad suddenly said, 'I think we told you we had something to talk to you about,'" Tobey mocked his father's deep voice. "So- so my dad just started talking to me about- about how since I was a teenager, I had been disappointing the- the family, that nothing made him more ashamed than the fact that his son is a fag … both of them- my mom and my dad- just kept saying how I was living this 'disgusting' life and I wasn't even trying to hide it. And- and then, they said how now I had this disease and I was bringing it into the family and that it was the final straw …"

Tobey had started to cry again and Jack tried to hold him but Tobey pulled back.

"No- just- I want to finish this. Um, my dad- he said that there was no way they could live with this anymore. He said- these were his exact words- that I was 'dirtying the blood in the family'- and that that was unacceptable. So- so he informed me that as of that moment, I was no longer part of the family. He said that him and my mom didn't want to talk to me again. He said they didn't want to hear from me again … nothing. He told me I've been written out of their wills. He said he was quite sure that the rest of my family- grandparents, aunts and uncles, all that- probably felt the same way." He sniffed and looked directly into Jack's eyes. "I've been disowned from my family, Jack."

They stared at each other a moment, Tobey still in shock of what had just happened to him, Jack trying to process it himself. Then the tears began to flow again and Jack continued to hold Tobey's sob-wracked body. Jack surprised himself when he felt his own eyes well up. He was not sure if his tears were out of sympathy for Tobey's situation of empathy because he himself had been so often rejected by his family but either way, a great feeling of sadness filled him. He could not believe that any family could be so cruel, that they could do such a thing to this caring, selfless, loving person … and on Christmas Eve.

When Tobey finally seemed cried out, he rested his head back on the couch and looked at Jack. "It really means a lot to me. You being here for me."

Jack shook his head. "That's what friends are for, Tobey."

Tobey rolled his eyes, a smile creeping onto his face. "That's such a cliché."

"It's true."

"Well, I'm lucky to have a friend who really means it."

Jack smiled.

"So … I think I've done enough crying for one night … now you've gotta cheer me up."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "A little bossy, aren't we?"

"Hey, I've had a rough night, I'm allowed to be!" Tobey mocked seriousness.

"You're absolutely right. Well, I've got a pile of Christmas movies I was going to watch … care to join me?"

"Sounds great."

Jack popped a video into the VCR and the two young men settled comfortably onto the couch beside each other, holding hands loosely, needing to feel that someone was there.

Ryan stared at Tobey. "I can't believe you never told me your parents did that on Christmas Eve."

Tobey shrugged. "It's kind of trivial compared to the fact that they did it at all."

Ryan nodded.

"That's really awful, Tobey," Doug said.

"Yeah," Tobey shrugged. "But I guess that's life."

Everyone nodded but a heavy silence reigned before the story started up again.

"So," Tobey finally said, "I believe that we were just getting to the good stuff …"

Three movies, two boxes of gingerbread men, and a bottle of apple cider later, Jack and Tobey decided to call it a night.

"You can take Jen's room, if that's alright," Jack told Tobey.

Tobey nodded and pulled himself up from the couch. Jack watched as his friend straightened his clothes and helped clean up their glasses and cookie wrappers. He watched the solemn expression on Tobey's face, the lost look in his eyes, and knew that his friend needed him more than he ever had before.

"Tobey …" he said.

Tobey looked at him.

"Look, don't think that I have ulterior motives or anything but if you want, you can sleep with me- I mean, in my bed- tonight. I think we could both use the company."

Tobey smiled a bit and nodded his acceptance.

Ten minutes later, they were settled under the covers of Jack's bed. Both lay on their backs, staring at the ceiling.

"Tobey?"

"Hm?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"What?"

"Last year, when we were going out … I really didn't mean for it to end the way that it did. I didn't mean to hurt you," Jack repeated.

"I know."

"But I did, didn't I?"

Tobey was quiet for a moment before saying, "Yeah, but that's what happens, right? Relationships end and someone always gets hurt."

Jack turned on his side and looked down into Tobey's face. "So whatever happened with Brian?"

"Who?"

"The- the guy you went out with after me. You told me about him over the phone …"

"Oh!" To Jack's surprise, Tobey started to laugh.

"What?"

Tobey snorted. "I made that guy I up."

Jack raised an eyebrow, smiling a bit.

"Oh come on, give me a break! You dumped me royally­– I had to prove that I was doing better than you. I wanted you to know just how over you I was."

"Were you?"

"Over you? Not really."

Jack smiled. "I wasn't over you either. But you succeeded in convincing me that you were doing well … I had an awful night after that phone call."

"What happened?"

Jack lay down on his back again. "I got drunk and jumped off the roof of a beach house into a pool."

"Shit! Are you joking?"

"No … but don't give yourself too much credit. I was pretty much having an all-around shitty year."

"Hm. I can relate."

Jack turned his head to the side so that he and Tobey were face to face, looking at each other in the moonlit room. Jack reached down and squeezed Tobey's hand. "You'll get through this."

Tobey nodded. "Yeah, I know."

Jack gave Tobey's hand another squeeze. "I'm here for you."

Tobey smiled back at him.

Jack glanced at the clock on the night table over Tobey's shoulder. "Oh my God, it's 1:30! It's been Christmas for an hour and a half!"

Tobey giggled. "Merry Christmas, Jack."

Jack smiled. "Merry Christmas, Tobey." He leaned in brushed his lips across Tobey's cheek. Tobey tilted his head and their lips met lightly and briefly.

As both men pulled back, their eyes met and they both smiled, remembering the connection they used to have. They thought of the events of the preceding year and both were struck with the realization that after it all, here they were, together again. Tobey thought of how generous Jack had been with him tonight and Jack thought of the injustice of what Tobey had been through tonight and in the past year. And here they were. Their eyes met again and they were aware of the electricity that pulsed between them. As they moved toward each other again, they both whispered each other's names.

Tobey smiled. "And the rest is history."

"So …" Ryan said, "that's it? That's what really happened?"

Tobey rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. "No. Jack and I actually had sex last night. Sorry, guys."

The first comfortable laughter since the beginning of the story filled the room.

"We should have known," Doug said. "I think Ryan and I trust you two alone way too much."

"Uh oh," Jack said, "here we go again."

Doug chuckled. "Kidding."

Jack smiled. "I know."

"So what happens the morning after?" Ryan asked. "Painful awkwardness? Or did you relive the passion one more time?"

Tobey snorted. "What's this? First you were all angry and jealous and now you want all the nitty-gritty details?"

Ryan grinned. "What can I say? I'm a gossip queen."

"I think we can permit that, can't we, Jack?"

"Sure," Jack said, "but you guys should be forewarned- it's not all that exciting."

"What? No love-filled revelations? No aggressive refusals to acknowledge the obvious love between the two of you?"

Tobey rolled his eyes. "You seem a little too eager for Jack and I to get together, Ryan."

"Of course not, dear."

"Oh no," Doug grinned, "we know we're in trouble when Ryan is calling Tobey 'dear.'"

"It's all in the loving Christmas spirit," Ryan explained.

Jack looked at Tobey. "I gotta admit, that was probably one of my favorite Christmases."

Tobey smiled. "Me too, believe it or not."

"Oh for Christ's sake, just tell us what happened!"

"Ok, Ryan," Jack laughed, "I think we can do that for you guys …"

Tobey awoke to the sensation of a warm skin against his cheek and the steady rise and fall of the chest he rested on. He lifted his head slowly and looked up at the peaceful face of a sleeping Jack. He smiled gently as he examined the burst of dark hair topping the smooth face and the fluttering eyelashes.

Tobey sat up completely and glanced out Jack's bedroom window at the gently falling snow. How picture perfect- snow on Christmas day. His mind drifted back to the white Christmases of the past … just like the ones we used to know … Tobey shook his head; he had to stop thinking in lyric. Christmas morning used to begin with him and his sister racing down the stairs to find their stocking stuffed to capacity and the Christmas tree surrounded by brightly coloured packages. Mom and Dad would sit by, smiling, as he and his sister ripped their gifts open, squealing and laughing with delight. The day would be spent playing with their new toys, visiting their grandparents, and finally settling down to sleep at a time way past their usual bedtime … Tobey realized with a shock that he would never receive a Christmas present from his parents again. His parents had nothing to give to him anymore … really nothing. Not a five minute phone conversation, not their love.

Tobey shook his head, not ready to face the reality of his life yet. His eyes drifted back to the sleeping figure beside him as he recalled the events of the night before. He remembered every kiss, every touch, every caress. He knew suddenly that he loved Jack. That he would always love Jack. The only question was, what kind of love was this?

He was unable to ponder this further, however, because Jack had just stirred and awoken. He looked up at Tobey who smiled down at him. Jack smiled back.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Tobey said.

"What time is it?"

Tobey glanced at the clock beside him. "Ten-twenty."

"Hm."

Tobey laid back down, cautiously curling up beside Jack. Jack casually draped an arm over Tobey.

"So," Tobey said.

"So?"

"Are you hungry?"

Jack grinned. "Are you?"

"Starved."

"I take it you want me to feed you too."

Tobey shook his head. "Not a chance. We'll go out for breakfast … my treat."

An hour later, the two men were settled at a table in a quiet restaurant, ordering their Christmas brunch. When the waiter had taken their order and left, Jack looked earnestly at Tobey.

Tobey returned his gaze.

"So," Jack said, "last night …"

"Yeah. Last night."

"For what it's worth … it was really nice for me."

Tobey smiled. "Me too …"

"But?"

"But what?"

"I can hear a 'but' in your voice."

Tobey snorted. "I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere but my brain is too fried to figure it out now."

Jack chuckled. "Well, I'll be honest, I have a 'but' myself-"

"I've noticed."

"Ha ha. I can't get away with anything with you, can I?"

Tobey giggled. "I thought you would have figured that out by now, Jack."

Jack laughed. "I guess so. Anyways … last night was really great for me but I think … I don't really know what I think but …"

"But this couldn't work," Tobey finished.

"Exactly."

"Don't worry, I feel the same way. I mean, I love you-"

"I love you, too."

Tobey smiled. "I love you but I think what we had before didn't work out for a reason."

"Right. Because I was an asshole."

"No. No, not at all, Jack. I mean, you were-" Tobey grinned, "-but that's not why it didn't work out."

"It's just not what we have."

"Exactly."

"But we do have something, don't we, Jack? I mean, I don't want to say 'We can be friends' because it just sounds like a bad break-up reconciliation but … we definitely have a friendship."

"A strong friendship," Jack added.

"Yeah. I think we have something special, Jack."

Jack reached across the table, placing his hand over Tobey's. "We do."

The smile they shared was comfortable, genuine, and said everything both men were feeling. Their food arrived and they ate as they talked about jobs and TV shows and school. The day was spent driving around Boston, searching through the few stores that were open on Christmas day, finding silly Christmas gifts for each other. Jack ended up with a Mickey Mouse watch, a pink shirt that he would never wear, and a box of candy canes. Tobey ended up with cat Beanie Baby, a Ted Danson poster, and a snowflake Christmas tree ornament.

When Jack drove Tobey back to his apartment that evening, their cheeks were flushed with the laughter and fun of the day and both had forgotten their problems for the moment. They shared a quick kiss good-night and then went their separate ways but not for long. A new relationship had now risen from the remains of their old one, like a phoenix out of the ashes, and both men knew that it would not be long before they saw each other again.

"What time is it anyways?" Doug asked as he and Jack climbed into bed.

Jack glanced at the clock beside the bed. "Two-thirty."

Doug grunted a bit. "You better not be waking me up at six in the morning to open presents, young man."

Jack laughed as he curled up next to his lover. "What if the reason I'm waking you up isn't presents?"

Doug raised an eyebrow as he looked down at Jack. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

Jack giggled. "A Christmas morning surprise … from me, only for you."

"It won't be much of a surprise if you tell me about it now."

"Fine." Jack leaned forward and kissed Doug quickly. "I won't say another word about it."

Not long after, as Doug snored slightly at his side, Jack's mind wandered back to that Christmas Eve night six years ago. He thought of his best friend and of the passion that they had shared that night.

Tobey was already sprawled across his side of the bed when Ryan climbed in beside him. He cuddled up to Ryan's warm body, curling into the arms that wrapped around him. Ryan kissed the top of his head.

"Babe?"

"Yeah, Ryan?"

"When Jack and Doug were joking about us being married … did that bother you?"

"Course not."

"Ok."

A short pause followed.

"Did it bother you?"

"No." He kissed the head below him again. "I love you, Tobey."

"We are married."

Ryan gave him a gentle squeeze.

"I know."

"I love you too, Ryan."

"I know, babe."

Tobey cuddled into the warmth of his lover and thought of how lucky he was. Lucky for the man who loved him. Lucky also for the friend he had who had been there for him at the worst of times.

Jack, his eyes closed, cuddled deeper into Doug's embrace. He felt safer and happier in these arms than he had ever felt before. He knew how rare it was to share the unconditional love that he and Doug shared and for that, he felt lucky.

He also knew how rare it was to share the special friendship that he and Tobey shared. He and Tobey understood each other, had a connection to each other, and in a way, needed each other. They had the present, they would have the future … and they certainly had a past.

Christmas morning came and two men woke up in different beds. They kissed their lovers beside them, they wished them a merry Christmas, and they were happy. They were happy in the lives they had but they would not forget their past. Their past was a part of them and they did not regret it.


THE END